Man went to confession.

Man: Father, during the war, a beautiful young lady
asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in the attic.
Father: That's a very good gesture, you need not confess.
Man: But as the days went, she repaid me with daily sexual favors.
Father: That is still forgiven my son.
Man: But I have another question.
Father: What is it my son?
Man: Shall I tell her the war is over? =)

Brain Cramps

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected
as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."


Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"

--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward .

`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

Funny Photos

Keeping Hope

#9

A man going to a bar to meet his friend, while he was going in he noticed two women looking at him and one said "Nine."

He walked over to his buddy and said "One of those ladies over there rated me nine out of ten?"

His buddy replied "I'm sorry to let you down but when I came in they were speaking German."

What a good way to help!

Crazy Ideas

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts
to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy
them back for fifty pence.

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black &
Decker "Dustbuster. " The zombies will then wander aim-
lessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods
at a more leisurely pace.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by
aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invar-
iably wake up in a strange place the following morning,
having had your memory mysteriously "erased."

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from
guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple
cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far
less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves
by hiding under the covers.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop
stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten wood-
lice.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart"
in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the
fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the
steaming hot jam inside.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper
and asking them to wrap it.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each
end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any
cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles
of cling film and press them into your eyes.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of
water.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin
bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers.
In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any
punctures you may have.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make
a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol
whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you
in one or two plastic buckets.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails
and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to
sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen
to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way
you can have sex without waking her up.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because
you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly
with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the
pub.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie
underarm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of
frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together
potatoes.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing
manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches
if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready
for use in such emergencies.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions
in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the
wrong way up the road.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable
Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore
British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent,
then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and
there aren't any planes home.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get
your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears
and slide out.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid
Bastards.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each
one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line.
This can then be worn around the neck.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive
alternative to sun-bed treatments.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink
driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by
closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between
teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night
by
simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey
presto! Toffee.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paper-
work by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note
stickers,
one stuck to each temple.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to your intended destination in the first place.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow
you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take
the blame.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of
drain-
pipe and a cricket ball.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will
turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of
time.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the
bath
with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then
turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make
their dramatic and dangerous landings.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral"
style
branding irons.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of
The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around
their
holes.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking
down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw
meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Time is Relative

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Operator?

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly asked,

'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name
and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room
302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I
have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
shit.'

Fight Like a Man

Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!

Darwin Awards

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Sales Manager Pep Talk

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one
her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below
any of our other salespeople' s. In fact, unless you can improve your
sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice
on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly,
but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go
through it until you come to a word that had particular power for
you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems
appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end
of themonth, the manager called her in again and congratulated her.
"Didyou try my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but
I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic. ' What a good word," said the manager
encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her
little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school
in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her
daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular
girl inher class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of
clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring
ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said
'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on
thecommittee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic'
and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars
of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers
keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of
interest, what did you used to say to customers before you
discovered your power word?"

Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit ?'"

Gunfighter

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

18 bottles

I had 18 bottles of whisky in the cellar, and my wife told me to get
Rid of them or else!
She told me to open every bottle and empty the
Contents down the sink and so that is the unfortunate task I am now
Doing.
I drew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
Down the sink, except for one glass which I drank.
Then likewise with
The second bottle, down the sink except for one glass, which I drank.
I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down
The sink, which I then drank, then pulled the cork from the fourth
Bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I
Drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one
Sink out of it then threw the rest up the glass.
Then I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle, corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.
Now I have everything emptied, I sink.
I steadied the house with one hand and counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other.
It came to 79 or maybe 65.
Next time the house came by, I counted them again and finally had all the
Houses in one bottle, which I drank. I am not half as thunk as you
Might drink now, but I fool so feelish I don't know which is me, and
The drunker I stand here, the longer I get...

Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

- A new algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- Dr. Kervorkian was seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found covering drain gives Prince Albert a run for his money.



More Signs You Need to Clean Your Pool

- You know that green tarp covering your swimming pool? It's NOT a pool cover.

- The kids in the neighborhood ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- The water's pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across the water causes sparks.

Progression

Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'

Football Pool

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

Earing

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Humorous Jokes

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go one very ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

Wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'



The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that could possibly help mankind.'



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy.'




The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Business Proposal

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office..... but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you
let me have sex with you..
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Who is stronger

Women are physically stronger than men...
Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at a time!
while men can carry only two eggs...
Take Note! and with the help of a bird !

Female to Male Translation

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,

you and I need to clean up,

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and you'll have no clothes to wear,

if we don't do laundry right now!?"



What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Some Jokes

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.


• Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.


• It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives !


• Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman


• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it


• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying D*** H***!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest
and let the poison work."

The doctor's daughter

A physician was taking her 4-year-old daughter to preschool. The little girl picked up the stethoscope, which the doctor had left on the car seat, and began playing with it.

"This is wonderful," thought the doctor." My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

No Pants

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.


"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed . The old man looked off in the distance without answering.


"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.


The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma'sidea

Johny Inlove

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies,
"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr.Smith says,
"Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says......."Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith faints.............

Warning Signs

Warning: Children playing outside the car can
cause accident... and...
Adults playing inside the car can cause
CHILDREN!!!!

Operation

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told
him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown
up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon. from
the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week..."

A Lawyer's Deal With The Devil

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you."

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make

embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls

of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"

Funniest One Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

But it itches! (Dirty Little Johnny joke)

A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal’s office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom,” she says.

“I did,” he says, “and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she’d come and pick me up from school.”

Suggestions

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a

great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote: "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said: "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars,

and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin

Luther King's Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

Light Bulb

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

Science fair

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes,
six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

Plastic Flowers

My neighbor's flowers in the front yard are in full bloom. In fact, they have been in full bloom for six consecutive months. They are remarkably resilient and have weathered snow, sleet, hail, thunderstorms and direct sunlight. Their various shades of white, yellow, blue and red are as vibrant today as yesteryear. They are literally indestructible.

My neighbor's flowers attract a lot of ridicule, derision, mockery, contempt, jeering, finger-pointing, disbelief, consternation, confusion, and laughter. The one thing they do not attract is bees.

My neighbor's flowers are sort of like a noxious "silent-but- deadly" at a wine tasting party. Every one detects it, yet no one publicly recognizes it. It's spoken about only afterwards, in privacy. Like a "silent-but- deadly", the flowers are not polarizing. They have not yet divided the neighborhood into opposing factions of critics and enthusiasts.

My neighbor's flowers are also greatly misunderstood. They are hypoallergenic. They represent stability in a constantly evolving world. They offer cheerful vibrant color on dark gloomy days. Most importantly, they are a reminder that life is not to be taken too seriously.

Duck

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?" ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .
............ . ......... ......... .........

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Nuns at a Ball Game

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."

The rest of the Story

Here's "The Rest of the Story"

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said
to the children of Israel "Pick up your
shovel, mount
your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago , Roosevelt said
" Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the
Promised Land."

Now Obama is going to steal your shovel
kick your asses, raise the price of
camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Face

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never...

Put my glasses back on.

Insurance

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the
insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for
fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what
was insured and provide you with a new one, practically
identical, of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."

Lost Ball

A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. "Well, it's like this," explained the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"Well, we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" pried the doctor.

"Well, that's when I made my mistake. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses, 'This one here looks like yours'."

Gorilla Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender comes up to him and asks him what he wants. "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then lays a ten-dollar bill on the bar.

The bartender takes the money and goes to fix the gorilla's drink. He thinks to himself, "Hey, this is a gorilla. He doesn't know about the prices of drinks," and takes fifteen cents back as change. He sets the drink and the money on the bar.

Another bartender asks the first bartender about the gorilla and he says, "Yeah, he's nice. Go talk to him."

The second bartender goes to the gorilla and strikes up a conversation. "Hey there. You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla responded, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I surely ain't coming back."

Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse
and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your
picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

90 Year old Man

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who was pregnant & just delivered a child. What
is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me
tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season
for hunting.
But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So
he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a
lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella,
points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.
Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"...
Said the Doc.

SMART WIFE...

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Cars in Heaven

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.

He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Lawyerly Laffs

Q: What is the definition a "Lucky Break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "Crying Shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Left Handed

Little Ricky was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Ricky said, "Yes, God did it, and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Ricky, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!

back when 8-track players roamed the earth

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay

a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog !!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat our asses. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and screwed it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. cause that's how we rolled dig?


We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play Station video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination! ! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!



That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd



(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile,
Whether they are under 30 or not.)

Out the Window

A French man, an English man, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The French man offered everyone some French bread, then he threw it out the window. The French man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The English man offered everyone a crumpet and then he threw it out the window. The English man said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."

The American man quickly threw the lawyer out the window. The American said, "Don't worry we have plenty of those where I come from."