Sandwich

A sales manager complained to a colleague about one of his salesmen. "George is so forgetful 

it's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to get me a sandwich while he's out for lunch, but I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open and in came George. "You'll never guess what happened," he exclaimed. "At lunch, I met the head of one of the biggest firms in the country. 

We got talking and he gave me an order worth $15 million!"

"See," said the sales manager. "I told you he'd forget the sandwich."

I can't see him now

Psychiatrist's receptionist: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."

Psychiatrist: "I can't see him now."

Mind your English

Dirty Laundry

What a Mystery

I don't need sex

Got any more dogs

Visiting relatives on their rural property for the first time, a young city man 

arrived when things were particularly busy.

"We're flat out," said his uncle, "but it's such a beautiful day that you should borrow my shotgun and take the dogs out for a bit of shooting."

When his nephew returned an hour later, the farmer asked him. "How was the shooting?"

"That was fantastic," said the young man. "Got any more dogs?"

So High Tech

"My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room," one man said. 

"It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless."

Oysters

Pierre and François were having lunch together. Pierre was very sad and declared, "My love life is finished."

"There are remedies," François told him. "Try oysters. Some people say they are miraculous restorers of virility."

"I am desperate," said Pierre. "I have a date tonight and will do as you suggest. Garçon, 

bring me a dozen oysters." He downed them, ordered another dozen, then a dozen more.

"You shouldn't overdo it," François cautioned. "Oysters are very powerful. Let's go now. Call me tomorrow and tell me how you went."

The next day, the phone rang. "Oysters, bah!" said Pierre. "They are overrated. I ate three dozen, did I not? Well, only nine worked!"

The Golden Years

The golden years
I cannot see I cannot pee
I have no heart I cant fart
My hearing sinks my memory shrinks
My body’s drooping got trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The golden years can kiss my ***

How to please a woman

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Sponge

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"
somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"
Johnny proudly stated "The maid is got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

My life is the worst ever

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

What do I look like

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.  When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."  He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"

Boys in the girls’ dorm

During college orientation the chancellor addressed the incoming class. 
“The girls’ dormitory will be off-limits to male students,” he said. 
“Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for his first infraction, $100 for the second time it happens and $250 if he is caught again.”
A male student stood up and shouted, “How much for a season pass?”

"Does anyone here know how to pray?"

With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out,

 "Does anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Yes, Captain, I pray a lot."
"Good," said the captain. "You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets. We're one short."

Not while am eating

Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors gleam. It's the most sanitary place I've ever seen."
"Please," frowned the other cockroach. "Not while I'm eating!"

You've kicked all the dirt off yourself

Late one night, after an evening of heavy drinking, Smitty took a short cut through a cemetery and fell into a newly dug grave. He couldn't get out, so he lay at the bottom and fell asleep.
Early next morning, the gravedigger heard moans and groans. He investigated, saw the shivering figure in the grave and demanded, "What's wrong with you, making all that noise?"
"I'm so cold," Smitty shivered.
"Well it's no wonder," said the gravedigger. "You've kicked all the dirt off yourself."

3 Unforgettable Things In Our Life

.

.

... .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

1. Breakfast

2. Lunch

3. Dinner

Waiting to get paid

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks: “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young fellow replies: “I make about $300 a week. Why?”

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says: “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out and don’t come back.”

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks: “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”

From across the room comes a voice: “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

MODERN PHILOSOPHIES

1. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
2. The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise.
3. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
4. Your future depends on ur dreams. So go to sleep.
5. Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseat cause children.
6. Conserve water. Drink beer.
7. Save water. Shower w/a partner.

Green Inspiration Quote

Before  sex, you help each other getting naked.

After sex, you only dress urself.

Lesson:

In life, no one would help u once everything gets fucked
up.

-reality bites.

Meat Vs Greens

In class doing the test

Education ruining our common sense

and here's the proof

High in Stupidity