Courtroom Jokes (6)

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

Courtroom Jokes (5)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Courtroom Jokes (4)

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Courtroom Jokes (3)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Courtroom Jokes (2)

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Courtroom Joke (1)

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Johny Farts

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITELY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necesarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITELY just shit my pants!!!"

Dinner Date

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. "

The teacher fainted!!

.......clever boy..

The Little boy

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. 
"Not yet ," says the little boy.


His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.


Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, " Are you going to tell him, or shall I?" ...

25 GALLONS OF MILK

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

My best friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots
of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for
over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"