DOG IN HEAT

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? 
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? 

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

TOP 10 COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed
My Ass All Day

MY DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. 

He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.

Improved Farm

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."

The Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." 

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. 

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp

She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. 

The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me
- I want to be the only one in his life
- I want him to sleep always by my side
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned THE LADY into a
SAMSUNG GALAXY S4

THE FIRST APPLE

woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the first apple, too!
Men will never learn!!