tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15335666592371193922024-03-13T10:56:42.501+08:00Only Funny StuffUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger751125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-58199581362413247862020-07-23T14:54:00.000+08:002020-07-23T09:37:14.267+08:00A kick to the face<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"<br />
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"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-57795893402550775392020-06-16T10:18:00.000+08:002020-06-16T10:05:38.580+08:00Courtroom Jokes (18)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.</span></pre>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-63105659435431451732019-07-25T14:30:00.000+08:002019-07-24T10:03:23.957+08:00Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">3. Join our frequent near-miss program. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">4. On flights, every section is a smoking section. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">16. Bring a bathing suit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-14465284226897761302019-02-28T09:37:00.000+08:002019-02-28T13:11:38.548+08:00How to Tell if you Have Smelly Feet<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMJCfHSWynKEKbFnA2TvIP7V5RaIY-3Ew_sjomsy0fOn17fLJ6HPMF0v7t8iNQ6i7jF5PcwMb3tbIz1Dc2FE17rraNhl9C437hRKaGNJ585ViVQq9f9H_bojhSM_Z2GlQwfZy7T2iVyGNd/s1600/hoe+to+tell+if+you+have+smelly+feet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMJCfHSWynKEKbFnA2TvIP7V5RaIY-3Ew_sjomsy0fOn17fLJ6HPMF0v7t8iNQ6i7jF5PcwMb3tbIz1Dc2FE17rraNhl9C437hRKaGNJ585ViVQq9f9H_bojhSM_Z2GlQwfZy7T2iVyGNd/s640/hoe+to+tell+if+you+have+smelly+feet.jpg" width="576" /></a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-50263453947935978402018-08-02T14:37:00.000+08:002018-08-02T08:46:52.776+08:00Dinner Date<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?" <br />
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Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee." <br />
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Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!! <br />
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Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" <br />
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Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." <br />
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Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. <br />
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And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" <br />
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Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper. " <br />
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The teacher fainted!! <br />
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.......clever boy..</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-91252551554138601312018-03-23T10:45:00.000+08:002018-03-23T15:54:24.150+08:00A Dentist's Wisdom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial" , sans-serif , "geneva" , "helvetica";"><span style="font-size: 12px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist<br />pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I<br />hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the<br />laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the<br />thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist<br />then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the<br />patient says, -"I am fine with pills".<br /><br />The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."<br />The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!"<br />"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to<br />hold onto when I pull out your tooth."</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-15958897073719511732018-03-23T09:26:00.000+08:002018-03-23T15:52:55.268+08:00Two hour lunch<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I'm sorry," the boss told an employee, "but if I let you take a two-hour lunch </span></pre>
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">today, every worker whose wife gives birth to quadruplets will want one too."</span></pre>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-25327732655100964572017-10-27T10:20:00.000+08:002017-10-27T14:29:17.320+08:00Innocence at its best<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><br />A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother<br />in the doctors office.He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"<br />She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />.<br /><br />"Then why did you eat him?"</b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-84615284044229576952017-10-27T10:16:00.000+08:002017-10-27T14:06:16.279+08:00Technical Support<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><br />Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.<br />Customer Service: What is wrong with it?<br />Caller: Mouse is jammed.<br />Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?!!!<br />Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture. </b><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3CoFKo2o8iGrBKAd9TSEeldPFw8UBEJqv8HNywfgs8gr-h6WQhw4A_kZfITGOiDcXcMon63QprZ8Wjy6mpFCAaVyi-ORqFoCal_oB41J-MzI8JK0cikG0CiSs6RL9N306Kf5XHhf-M1yz/s1600-h/mouse.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306554166882479826" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3CoFKo2o8iGrBKAd9TSEeldPFw8UBEJqv8HNywfgs8gr-h6WQhw4A_kZfITGOiDcXcMon63QprZ8Wjy6mpFCAaVyi-ORqFoCal_oB41J-MzI8JK0cikG0CiSs6RL9N306Kf5XHhf-M1yz/s400/mouse.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 245px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-55625923050278014632017-09-13T17:42:00.000+08:002017-09-13T13:59:15.696+08:00Keep Smiling at work<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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How to look Happy at work<br />
As of today all personnel will be expected to look happy at work. </div>
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Rubber bands and paper clips will be provided at no cost.<br />
* Workload getting to you?</div>
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* Feeling stressed? * </div>
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Too many Priority 1 assignments?</div>
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Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments! </div>
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Take 2 paperclips and rubber bands. Fig. 1 </div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYAwJql7BcKCNy8jg89YiS5MO36ZbgxX5uAQkpIf6BJ9YFkkD2PQ05b6Z3vWICJhi9rKP3nkEsXbbfgKdno-_IXUwUw-RgTx7DYF7anCZ9X7v3IHLiFpZ92jCznFeSiD67sL5BNzpvjY9F/s1600-h/clip1.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325223064250075522" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYAwJql7BcKCNy8jg89YiS5MO36ZbgxX5uAQkpIf6BJ9YFkkD2PQ05b6Z3vWICJhi9rKP3nkEsXbbfgKdno-_IXUwUw-RgTx7DYF7anCZ9X7v3IHLiFpZ92jCznFeSiD67sL5BNzpvjY9F/s400/clip1.bmp" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 202px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 268px;" /> </a><br />
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Assemble them as shown on the pi<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmULQAXjxZuXv9AQUJIWmARA_fbqxHqx30sZf74ZXotilgpTVYirXbV4lkS5zdICgTVxEE1Bu8CrNTeHtqr5U-yKAfEyKexdcwpUC6N7t9l00V8Cw2z2iv6pfLKe_9kf41M-GjlWZy-JtW/s1600-h/clip2.bmp"></a>cture. Fig. 2<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmULQAXjxZuXv9AQUJIWmARA_fbqxHqx30sZf74ZXotilgpTVYirXbV4lkS5zdICgTVxEE1Bu8CrNTeHtqr5U-yKAfEyKexdcwpUC6N7t9l00V8Cw2z2iv6pfLKe_9kf41M-GjlWZy-JtW/s1600-h/clip2.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325223059276168946" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmULQAXjxZuXv9AQUJIWmARA_fbqxHqx30sZf74ZXotilgpTVYirXbV4lkS5zdICgTVxEE1Bu8CrNTeHtqr5U-yKAfEyKexdcwpUC6N7t9l00V8Cw2z2iv6pfLKe_9kf41M-GjlWZy-JtW/s400/clip2.bmp" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 220px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 292px;" /> </a><br />
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Apply as shown in fig 3.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE9G_oo-lbfdR9RmA26oNIlqW7g_CzrQ4ViIWWy7BwiA0tdGb-u1wZtecE4PIEGW2ZdbcROec53gX1sL-zxDASkQVzki_JZhx3gRk29ugpSmk-Xx39cgwhRw-VqhMQgHQHGLYqpSsxla71/s1600-h/person.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325223055557796914" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE9G_oo-lbfdR9RmA26oNIlqW7g_CzrQ4ViIWWy7BwiA0tdGb-u1wZtecE4PIEGW2ZdbcROec53gX1sL-zxDASkQVzki_JZhx3gRk29ugpSmk-Xx39cgwhRw-VqhMQgHQHGLYqpSsxla71/s400/person.bmp" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /> </a><br />
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Enjoy your day.<br />
This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of the day with a smile on your face! hahaha</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-53263958161451288522017-09-13T16:36:00.000+08:002017-09-13T14:00:28.875+08:00Knowledge - Very Interesting, written by kids<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Knowledge - Very Interesting, written by kids <br /><br /><br />HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? <br />You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. <br />-- Alan, age 10 <br /><br />No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. <br />-- Kristen, age 10 <br /><br />WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? <br />Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. <br />-- Camille, age 10 <br /><br />HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? <br />You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. <br />-- Derrick, age 8 <br /><br />WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? <br />Both don't want any more kids. <br />-- Lori, age 8 <br /><br />WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? <br />Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. <br />-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) <br /><br />On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. <br />-- Martin, age 10 <br /><br />WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? <br />I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. <br />-- Craig, age 9 <br /><br />WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? <br />When they're rich. <br />-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl) <br /><br />The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. <br />- - Curt, age 7 <br /><br />The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. <br />-- Howard, age 8 <br /><br />IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? <br />It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. <br />-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) <br /><br />HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T G ET MARRIED? <br />There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? <br />-- Kelvin, age 8 <br /><br />And the #1 Favorite is........ <br />HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? <br />Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. <br />-- Ricky, age 10 </b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-35508039544476953102017-04-11T11:07:00.000+08:002017-04-11T10:01:50.055+08:00Teacher<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-20031702603307076122017-03-16T09:53:00.000+08:002017-03-16T13:33:49.509+08:00Courtroom Jokes (17)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?</span></pre>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-91162566810789027842016-09-29T10:03:00.000+08:002016-09-29T09:52:06.333+08:00Courtroom Jokes (9)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.</span></pre>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-5313748419159150902016-04-29T16:23:00.000+08:002016-04-29T10:03:17.626+08:00Gets bigger by rubbing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A teacher saw the word "PENIS" on the blackboard. She erased it.<br />
The next day she saw it again written on the board in big letters. She erased it.<br />
On the third day, it was there again and was written even more bigger. It<br />
has a note which said: The more you rub it, the more it gets bigger!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-89075657353783607592016-04-13T13:29:00.000+08:002016-04-13T10:07:22.078+08:00How to Make a Man Happy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY<br /> <br /> 1. Feed him<br /> 2. Sleep with him<br /> 3. Leave him with peace<br /> 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)<br /> 5. Don't bother him with his<br /> movements<br /> So whats so hard about that?<br /><span class="text_exposed_show"> <br /> HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY<br /> <br /> It's really not too difficult but.... To make a<br /> woman happy, a man only needs<br /> to be:<br /> <br /> 1. a friend<br /> 2. a companion<br /> 3. a lover<br /> 4. a brother<br /> 5. a father<br /> 6. a master<br /> 7. a chef<br /> 8. an electrician<br /> 9. a plumber<br /> 10. a mechanic<br /> 11. a carpenter<br /> 12. a decorator<br /> 13. a stylist<br /> 14. a sexologist<br /> 15. a gynecologist<br /> 16. a psychologist<br /> 17. a pest exterminator<br /> 18. a psychiatrist<br /> 19. a healer<br /> 20. a good listener<br /> 21. an organizer<br /> 22. a good father<br /> 23. very clean<br /> 24. sympathetic<br /> 25. athletic<br /> 26. warm<br /> 27. attentive<br /> 28. gallant<br /> 29. intelligent<br /> 30. funny<br /> 31. creative<br /> 32. tender<br /> 33. strong<br /> 34. understanding<br /> 35. tolerant<br /> 36. prudent<br /> 37. ambitious<br /> 38. capable<br /> 39. courageous<br /> 40. determined<br /> 41. true<br /> 42. dependable<br /> 43. passionate<br /> <br /> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:<br /> 44. give her compliments regularly<br /> 45. Go shopping with her<br /> 46. be honest<br /> 47. be very rich<br /> 48. not stress her out<br /> 49. not look at other girls<br /> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU<br /> MUST ALSO:<br /> 50. give her lots of attention<br /> 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself<br /> 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.<br /> <br /> BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY<br /> IMPORTANT<br /> 53. never forget<br /> *birthdays<br /> *anniversaries<br /> *valentine<br /> *arrangements she makes.</span></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-49113748276511695022015-12-08T10:56:00.000+08:002015-12-08T09:48:36.136+08:00Sex in the office<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitlvEr7lF7kb0cPYv-CQXmSGgpvPg0cpRS-zxAG9AxxuMnpA5ATxkiVyD7Q0nKiISepFUMDxhEq1aESupjx1Vf5ZMXG0Eh5XkcFcKhnDjCPd_xxdRp9OJiqvyewRhkfIMIxO8KIrvIiGzg/s1600-h/1.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311762964279715906" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitlvEr7lF7kb0cPYv-CQXmSGgpvPg0cpRS-zxAG9AxxuMnpA5ATxkiVyD7Q0nKiISepFUMDxhEq1aESupjx1Vf5ZMXG0Eh5XkcFcKhnDjCPd_xxdRp9OJiqvyewRhkfIMIxO8KIrvIiGzg/s400/1.bmp" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEqeGinrP3R9gGQM0uS9_kRHHRs5I7lzPoLsFCp29akR5IfAGYRaw_d_og1njA2XKscHYIxaRWdzpNca5yjMe5S5QOsWXJry4DEKTLrFzc6lpDCtDxEcqXmetQx1UzS7rObv2c-81nHL-/s1600-h/5.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311760954092518482" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijEqeGinrP3R9gGQM0uS9_kRHHRs5I7lzPoLsFCp29akR5IfAGYRaw_d_og1njA2XKscHYIxaRWdzpNca5yjMe5S5QOsWXJry4DEKTLrFzc6lpDCtDxEcqXmetQx1UzS7rObv2c-81nHL-/s400/5.bmp" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw_Mzb5L0J3hCOkVtyBkwBwjhn2REp8NKVWnpQBye4P7JkVL3MPJNX6B0Ndzlv-y74qRUJuDfG97pozYpNzHwVUdbvQOukUWKTfaMGZjflOPLCla-UD-ROnsdGroxZHk7qRFOrMFvUOoY9/s1600-h/6.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311760953048360194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw_Mzb5L0J3hCOkVtyBkwBwjhn2REp8NKVWnpQBye4P7JkVL3MPJNX6B0Ndzlv-y74qRUJuDfG97pozYpNzHwVUdbvQOukUWKTfaMGZjflOPLCla-UD-ROnsdGroxZHk7qRFOrMFvUOoY9/s400/6.bmp" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxJ5bAoKsBZlbmR4-d0BRsYLLNKhyphenhyphenWQm-dQslzn9g4iLLpjZdYCp5KtGjqEucaCMzXiU91KlW0D-khNh359rQIicA81-KFXlsweFlx0mupfWt3khbpQerhiRtxImqOvNDpRe8m6a2YJi7f/s1600-h/7.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311760950708168594" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxJ5bAoKsBZlbmR4-d0BRsYLLNKhyphenhyphenWQm-dQslzn9g4iLLpjZdYCp5KtGjqEucaCMzXiU91KlW0D-khNh359rQIicA81-KFXlsweFlx0mupfWt3khbpQerhiRtxImqOvNDpRe8m6a2YJi7f/s400/7.bmp" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRXIpuHEM8kiQAnCr4UrwW0UMzEv-y01aGf8FKroVS4MB8B_712GXJPmG4G7ony8TUAx4u7zKP_0Cp1HLxAIYikynAUO668vDIgR4lHxIVHBO4_oD6TWUgaPpz_OsY5OX8khfB6EUoZVVl/s1600-h/8.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311760943820799314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRXIpuHEM8kiQAnCr4UrwW0UMzEv-y01aGf8FKroVS4MB8B_712GXJPmG4G7ony8TUAx4u7zKP_0Cp1HLxAIYikynAUO668vDIgR4lHxIVHBO4_oD6TWUgaPpz_OsY5OX8khfB6EUoZVVl/s400/8.bmp" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-41539847389282719122015-11-18T15:37:00.000+08:002015-11-18T10:13:51.810+08:0044th Birthday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.<br />
<br />
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.<br />
<br />
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."<br />
<br />
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-67796992253695168262015-08-12T11:14:00.000+08:002015-08-12T11:08:20.217+08:00Men Never Listen<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." MEN NEVER LISTEN</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-63700058787333798822015-07-28T14:03:00.000+08:002015-07-28T15:23:48.042+08:00An antelope and a lion<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">An antelope and a lion entered a restaurant and sat together at
a table. "I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes," the antelope </span></pre>
<pre class="western"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">told the waiter.
"And what will your friend have?" the waiter asked.
"Nothing," the antelope replied.
"Isn't he hungry?" the waiter persisted.
"If he were hungry," said the antelope, "would I be sitting here?"</span>
</pre>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-47828088854035405092015-05-06T10:13:00.002+08:002015-05-06T10:13:34.896+08:00A man took his wife to the rode<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." </span><br style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than t</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">wice a week! You could learn a lot from him."<br />They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."<br />The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."</span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-83932291110278524572015-04-15T13:30:00.000+08:002015-04-15T13:34:00.303+08:0050 Funny Jokes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">1 "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" the doctor shouted. Puzzled, a new nurse asked the sister, "Why is he yelling like that?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The sister explained, "He likes to call the shots around here." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">2 Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing nomad for water. "Sorry," said the tribesman. "I have no water, but I do have a selection of lovely ties for sale."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You must be crazy," the tourist replied. Close to death from thirst, he saw another nomad. "Water!" he gasped. "Give me some water."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I have no water," came the reply, "only these handsome ties that I'd be glad to sell you."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The tourist stumbled on until, to his astonishment, he saw a magnificent hotel far in the distance. Crawling at last into the lobby, he croaked, "Please give me water."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry, sir," the doorman said. "We don't let anyone in without a tie." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">3 Judge to accused: "Have you anything to offer before I pass sentence on you?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Accused: "No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">4 With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">One man stepped forward. "Yes, Captain, I pray a lot."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Good," said the captain. "You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets. We're one short." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">5 Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors gleam. It's the most sanitary place I've ever seen."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Please," frowned the other cockroach. "Not while I'm eating!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">6 Late one night, after an evening of heavy drinking, Smitty took a short cut through a cemetery and fell into a newly dug grave. He couldn't get out, so he lay at the bottom and fell asleep.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Early next morning, the gravedigger heard moans and groans. He investigated, saw the shivering figure in the grave and demanded, "What's wrong with you, making all that noise?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'm so cold," Smitty shivered.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Well it's no wonder," said the gravedigger. "You've kicked all the dirt off yourself." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">7 Pierre and François were having lunch together. Pierre was very sad and declared, "My love life is finished."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"There are remedies," François told him. "Try oysters. Some people say they are miraculous restorers of virility."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I am desperate," said Pierre. "I have a date tonight and will do as you suggest. Garçon, bring me a dozen oysters." He downed them, ordered another dozen, then a dozen more.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You shouldn't overdo it," François cautioned. "Oysters are very powerful. Let's go now. Call me tomorrow and tell me how you went."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The next day, the phone rang. "Oysters, bah!" said Pierre. "They are overrated. I ate three dozen, did I not? Well, only nine worked!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">8 A man went into a pub, asked for a scotch, drank it and got up to leave. The barman yelled, "Hey, where's my money?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I paid you," the man insisted and walked out. Then another man came in, drank a scotch and did the same thing. When a third man entered and ordered a scotch, the barman told him, "Two men just came in and asked for scotch just like you, then left, saying they'd paid. What do you think about that?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Stop babbling," muttered the third man, "and give me my change." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">9 Babysitter to parents: "By the way, I promised Amy that if she went to bed without any fuss you'd buy her a horse in the morning." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">10 A sales manager complained to a colleague about one of his salesmen. "George is so forgetful it's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to get me a sandwich while he's out for lunch, but I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just then the door flew open and in came George. "You'll never guess what happened," he exclaimed. "At lunch, I met the head of one of the biggest firms in the country. We got talking and he gave me an order worth $15 million!"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"See," said the sales manager. "I told you he'd forget the sandwich." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">11 Psychiatrist's receptionist: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Psychiatrist: "I can't see him now." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">12 "Doctor, you've got to help me," came the frantic call to the psychiatrist. "The man next door thinks he's in an opera. He sings day and night at the top of his voice. It's driving me crazy."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Send him to me," advised the shrink. A week later, the caller phoned again, sounding much calmer. "Doctor, I don't know how you did it, but he's hardly singing at all now. Did you cure his delusion?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Not exactly," the psychiatrist replied. "I just gave him a much smaller part." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">13 Two psychiatrists met at their 20th medical-school reunion. While one was vibrant, the other looked withered and worried. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's problems all day long for years has made an old man of me."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Replied the younger looking man, "Who listens?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">14 The novice angler wasn't having any luck, though another man nearby was pulling up fish after fish. "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Mmnnpximdafglymm," mumbled the man.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry but I didn't quite understand you," the novice apologised.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Mmnnpximdafglymm," the fisherman repeated. The neophyte shook his head and began to turn away, but the other man held up his hand, spat twice into his coffee cup and explained, "You've got to keep the worms warm." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">15 Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Patient: "Yes. I got as far as 24,534 and then it was time to get up."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">16 On his first day, a newcomer to prison heard the other inmates roar with laughter each time one of them called out a number. Mystified by this, he asked his cellmate what was happening. "We know all our jokes so well that, to save time retelling them, we've numbered them," he was told. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thinking he would join in, the newcomer shouted "208." To his amazement, the whole prison shook with laughter. The cellmate wiped tears from his eyes and commented, "We hadn't heard that one before." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">17 A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her and says, "Hi, sweetie. Want a little company?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">18 When a waitress brought the customer the soup du jour, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said. "What's this?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"It's bean soup," she replied.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I don't care what it's been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">19 The enormous diamond ring a woman wore on a luxury cruise attracted much attention from fellow passengers. "It's the Beaumont diamond," she told her table companions, "and like the notorious Hope diamond, it carries a terrible curse."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"What's the curse?" they asked.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Mr Beaumont," explained the woman. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">20 The doctor's receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the surgery and left. She asked the doctor what happened. "Well," said the doctor, "I examined her and told her she was pregnant."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Doctor!" exclaimed the receptionist. "That can't be!"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Of course not," he said, "but it certainly cured her hiccups." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">21 The man wanted to contact a spirit. "I know just the person," said his friend. "This woman is terrific, except that she's a bit of a complainer."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Forget it," said the first man. "I insist on a happy medium." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">22 "My barber has invented a fantastic machine," a man told his friend. "You stick your head in and it shaves you in a matter of seconds."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That's impossible," declared the friend. "Everyone's head is shaped differently."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Sure," said the first man, "but only at first." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">23 A new teller at the bank found that a colleague was embezzling enormous sums of money. He went straight to the manager and told him, "Mr Smith is robbing us of thousands of dollars."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Yes," said the manager. "I know."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You know?" gasped the teller. "Then why don't you fire him?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"We can't afford to," sighed the manager. "He's our biggest </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">depositor." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">24 Two men are led to a wall to face a firing squad. An officer blindfolds them, but one man rips his from his face and hurls it defiantly to the ground. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Please, Sam," begs his companion, "don't make trouble." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">25 How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb? </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ten - but we'll accept eight. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">26 An executive hired a temporary chauffeur when his regular driver went on holidays. He asked the new man for his name and was told, "Charles, sir."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I always call my driver by his surname," the executive said curtly.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"My name is Charles Darling, sir," the chauffeur replied.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Very well, Charles," said the executive. "Drive on." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">27 Frank believed five was his special number. He was born on May 5, had five children and lived at 555 Fifth Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, he was delighted to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before the race, Frank went to betting window No. 5 and put $500 on Numero Cinco. It finished fifth. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">28 The hostess at a party served a guest a cup of punch, warning him it was liberally laced with liquor. Next, she offered some to a religious man, who said, "I would rather commit adultery than drink liquor!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back into the bowl and said, "Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">29 A parrot advertised as a "very good burglar alarm" was bought by a family concerned about crime. On its very first night on duty, an intruder tried to break in. The parrot crept off its perch and made its way to the phone to ring the police.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Police station," said the sergeant. "How can I help you?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The parrot shook its feathers, stood upright and screeched into the phone, "Who's a pretty boy then?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">30 A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we married."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Oh, darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">31 A corrupt man offered a politician a new car in return for a favour. "You know I can't accept that," the politician protested. "It's bribery."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The man pointed out that he could sell the car to the politician for $20. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"In that case," said the politician, "I'll take two." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">32 Following an argument about who was most important to the ship, a captain and his chief engineer decided to swap places to find out. After a few hours, the captain emerged from the engine room covered in oil and confronted the engineer on the bridge.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Chief," he yelled, wildly waving a spanner, "you'll have to go down below. I can't make her go." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Of course you can't," replied the engineer. "She's aground." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">33 A clergyman was on the golf course when he heard a stream of profanity from deep in a sand trap. "I have often noticed," chided the minister, "that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Of course not," screamed the man in the bunker. "What the hell do they have to swear about?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">34 "I'm sorry," the boss told an employee, "but if I let you take a two-hour lunch today, every worker whose wife gives birth to quadruplets will want one too." </span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">35 "I'm thinking of leaving my husband," declared the economist's wife. "Our sex life is terrible. All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">36 Four small children scurried around the woman standing inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Her husband asked why she was standing there.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the kids into their coats and I'll go outside to the car and blow the horn." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">37 "There I was, relaxing in my favourite chair last Sunday," one office worker told another, "reading the newspaper, watching one football match on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack and rubbing the dog's tummy with my foot - and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of sitting there doing nothing." </span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">38 "I'm fed up with your jealousy," a wife tells her husband. "Do you think I don't realise you're having me followed by a private detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, though a little shy at first?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">39 Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whisky. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">40 The young couple were shipwrecked on an island where a castaway explained that the only way to attract passing ships was to signal from a high coconut tree on the beach. He climbed the tree and yelled to the couple below, "Stop making love down there!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked after the castaway came down. "We weren't making love."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Sorry," said the castaway. "From up there, it looked like you were." But each morning after that, the castaway scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb up to see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and seated himself there. Meanwhile, his wife and the castaway were embracing passionately. "That's amazing!" the husband mused as he looked down. "It does look like they're making love!" </span><br />
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">41 Applying for a job as an industrial spy, six applicants were each given a sealed envelope and told to take them to the fourth floor. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As soon as he was alone, one man opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor immediately." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">42 The doctor told Boswell to exercise and advised him to walk to and from work. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Boswell thought that was boring, so the doctor suggested, "Roll a hoop along."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Boswell took the advice, but to avoid stares from his workmates he left the hoop in the car park each morning until one day the parking attendant told him a car had damaged the hoop. "Don't worry," he added. "We'll get you a new one tomorrow."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Tomorrow?" responded the distraught Boswell. "How am I supposed to get home tonight?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">43 The old plumber was telling his apprentice how hard life was when he was learning the trade. "You've got it easy, young man," he said. "In my day, they used to lay two lengths of pipe, then turn the water on, and we'd have to keep ahead of it." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">44 An antelope and a lion entered a restaurant and sat together at </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">a table. "I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes," the antelope told the waiter.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"And what will your friend have?" the waiter asked.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Nothing," the antelope replied.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Isn't he hungry?" the waiter persisted.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"If he were hungry," said the antelope, "would I be sitting here?" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">45 Lost balloonist: "Ahoy below! Where am I?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Startled farmer: "You can't fool me. You're up there in that basket." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">46 First woman: "Working full time and trying to do the housework gets me down. Today I came home and washed the clothes and the dishes. Tomorrow I have to clean the kitchen floor and the front windows."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Second woman: "What about your husband?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">First woman: "No way! He can wash himself!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">47 With his head on the desk, a lawyer's partner moaned that he had the mother of all hangovers. "Last night I had to entertain a man who can throw a lot of business our way," he groaned.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Well," said his partner, "I've got a sure-fire way to get rid of a hangover."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"How?" asked the first man.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">His partner grinned. "I make passionate love to my wife and in no time the hangover is gone. You ought to try it."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I'll try anything," said the sufferer, reaching for his coat. "See you later."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He returned mid-morning with a big smile on his face. "I see my remedy worked," his colleague said.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Like a charm," the rejuvenated lawyer assured him. "And, hey, that's a really nice house you have!" </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">48 A young man phoned his mother and said, "Hi Mum. How are you?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"Not so good," she replied weakly. "I haven't eaten anything for 38 days."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The son was shocked. "Thirty-eight days! Why haven't you eaten for so long?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"I didn't want my mouth to be full of food when you called," said his mother. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">49 "My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room," one man said. "It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless." </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">50 Visiting relatives on their rural property for the first time, a young city man arrived when things were particularly busy. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"We're flat out," said his uncle, "but it's such a beautiful day that you should borrow my shotgun and take the dogs out for a bit of shooting."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When his nephew returned an hour later, the farmer asked him. "How was the shooting?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"That was fantastic," said the young man. "Got any more dogs?"</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-9461545947342834982015-03-25T12:05:00.000+08:002015-03-25T12:05:49.352+08:00At The Zoo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.</div>
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Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?</div>
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Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'</div>
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Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.</div>
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'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'</div>
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Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'</div>
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The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.</div>
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Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your butt and let us see what happens!'</div>
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The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her butt to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.</div>
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The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'</div>
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Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same.</div>
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hahaha hahaha</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-28954405085640254422015-02-17T10:00:00.000+08:002015-02-17T10:00:03.411+08:00Wake him up<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1533566659237119392.post-40394917771348950592015-02-10T09:59:00.000+08:002015-02-10T09:59:44.121+08:00The last man<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636348724365px;">A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com