Doctor's advice

Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.

Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

CAR OR HAIRCUT

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could 

discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades 

up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real 

proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about 

that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist 

had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long 

hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Set Up

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

Teacher is explaining to the student,
'if you see someone sinking in the water, you should pull his hair to save him from the water. It will be easy for you.'

Student: but sir, if it happens to you, we shouldn’t help you.

Teacher: why?

Student: because you don’t have any hair.

BREAKFAST

A hotel guest called room service,"I want a breakfast of two eggs burned & black around the edges,undercooked bacon,weak coffee,watery orange juice,and cold,hard,unbuttered toast."
The room service clerk asked,"Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?"
" I am HOMESICK!" the guest replied.

Want a little company?

A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her and says, "Hi, sweetie. Want a little 

company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

Beaumont diamond

The enormous diamond ring a woman wore on a luxury cruise attracted much attention 

from fellow passengers. "It's the Beaumont diamond," she told her table companions, 

"and like the notorious Hope diamond, it carries a terrible curse."
"What's the curse?" they asked.
"Mr Beaumont," explained the woman.

Advice

ADVICE FOR MARRIED MEN.
never laugh at your wife's choices you are one of them.

3 stupid stages of life!

teenage:
Have Time + energy...but No Money.
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy...but No Time.
Old Age:
Have Time + Money...but no Energy.

I-kids

Apple was going to make a smaller
version of ipod touch for kids.
until they realized that 'itouch kids'
sounded really wrong and awkward.

Names

BOY:My fathers name is LAUGHING and
my my mother's name is SMILING.
TEACHER:You must be KIDDING?
BOY:nO,thats my brother. I'm JOKING...

How did i come into this world

Boy: daddy? how did I come into this world?? 
Dad: listen carefully.. 
mom & dad met each other in a cyber cafe...in the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom a big USB. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick... when dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use firewall...since it was too late to cancel or delete,nine months later we ended up w/ a virus... 

Imagine

TEACHER: imagine u r a millionaire 
write your life history 
(1 boy didn't write) 
TEACHER: why r u not writing? 
BOY: i'm waiting for my secretary! 

Woman 2 Choices

A Woman has only 2 choices in LIFE:

(1) To be SINGLE and look for a husband every DAY..
or
(2) To get MARRIED and look for her husband every NIGHT..

Nun pregnant

The doctor's receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the surgery and left. She 

asked the doctor what happened. "Well," said the doctor, "I examined her and told her she 

was pregnant."
"Doctor!" exclaimed the receptionist. "That can't be!"
"Of course not," he said, "but it certainly cured her hiccups."

Happy medium

The man wanted to contact a spirit. "I know just the person," said his friend. "This woman is terrific, except that she's a bit of a complainer."
"Forget it," said the first man. "I insist on a happy medium."

Plumber and his apprentice

The old plumber was telling his apprentice how hard life was when he was learning the trade. "You've got it easy, young man," he said. "In my day, they used to lay two lengths of pipe, 

then turn the water on, and we'd have to keep ahead of it."

Roll a hoop

The doctor told Boswell to exercise and advised him to walk to and from work. Boswell 

thought that was boring, so the doctor suggested, "Roll a hoop along."
Boswell took the advice, but to avoid stares from his workmates he left the hoop in the car 

park each morning until one day the parking attendant told him a car had damaged the hoop. "Don't worry," he added. "We'll get you a new one tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" responded the distraught Boswell. "How am I supposed to get home tonight?"

Industrial spy

Applying for a job as an industrial spy, six applicants were each given a sealed envelope 

and told to take them to the fourth floor.
As soon as he was alone, one man opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read: 

"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor immediately."