Wake him up

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

The last man

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Two Nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

THE BRIDGE

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Nun pregnant

The doctor's receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the surgery and left. She 

asked the doctor what happened. "Well," said the doctor, "I examined her and told her she 

was pregnant."
"Doctor!" exclaimed the receptionist. "That can't be!"
"Of course not," he said, "but it certainly cured her hiccups."

Son of a b****

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." 

Priest: "What have you done my child?" 

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****." 

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?" 

Girl: "Because he touched my hand." 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) 

Girl: "Yes father." 

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****." 

Girl: "Then he touched my breast." 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) 

Girl: "Yes father." 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****." 

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) 

Girl: "Yes father." 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****." 

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) 

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" 

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****." 

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" 

Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"

Sunday Sermon

Last Sunday, the sermon was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with…

“Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids???”

I guess it was somewhat comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who gave the wrong answer…

Time is Relative

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Wish

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'



The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me
to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that could possibly help mankind.'



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy.'




The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Nuns at a Ball Game

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), "I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there."

The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there."

One of the nuns turns around, looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any Catholics there."