Two hour lunch

"I'm sorry," the boss told an employee, "but if I let you take a two-hour lunch 

today, every worker whose wife gives birth to quadruplets will want one too."

Prospective Employer to Applicant

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Impress People-Technical Vocabulary

Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa? Use Techno vocabulary. It can be called the “Buzzword” writing method. It is simple.

There are three columns of words involved, as follows:


Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords from the above grid, e.g., 257: “integrated modular capability“.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense to you; it won’t mean anything to anyone else either, but they’ll think you’re just smarter than they are so they won’t say anything!!!

You can propose “systemized reciprocal options” (929) to achieve “optimal transitional flexibility” (568), so that we can think of an “integrated monitored projection”, and then your boss will probably promote you or your customer will be blown away with your technological superiority…!!

M.P.

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Airline Pilot wrote in their log book

Pilot, "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement"
Maintenance crew replied in the log book, "Almost replaced left inside main tire"


Pilot, "Noise under console sounds like a midget hitting something with a hammer."
maintenence crew replied in the logbook, "took hammer away from midget"

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.



When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ’s because he’s overworked.

I Don't have email id

A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and qualified for the post of the “Office Boy”. Then Microsoft Office people told him “Give us your email ID, we will send you “Appointment Letter”.

The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told “How funny, now-a-days is there any man without email ID?” Sorry we can not give appointment to a back dated man.”

The poor guy with sorrow came out from the Microsoft Office and he had only 5 dollars with him, he saw one people is selling Tomatos. He bought Tomatos by 5 Dollar and sell them by walking door to door. He got 7 dollars. Then next day he again bought Tomatos by 7 dollars and sold them 10 Dollars.

Such a way he became millioniare and now he has now Orchard of Tomatos and big pick-up vans, storage etc. Now the man became one of the rich man of the country. Many Journalist came to interview him.

When they are filing up his biography, one journalist ask “Sir,may I get your Email ID.”

The man replied “I have no Email ID. As I have my email ID, I would be an“OFFICE BOY” of Microsoft office and you never ask my email ID !!

How i learned English

Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?”

The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.

Mysticism made simple

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Quotes converted

Original Quote:

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….



Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …..
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat.

Psychologist:
If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Heavy letter

Post Master in a post office told to a woman,”You have to put another stamp on this letter as it is too heavy.

The woman replied, “How would an extra stamp make it lighter.”

Pay your tax

Income tax officer gave tips to a young lady, “You should pay your income tax with smile.”

The lady replied, “I have tried it thrice, but every time they insist on cash or cheque.”

Job application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: John Flower

Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: yes.

Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.

Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: It sucked.

Hours available to work: Any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.M., Monday, tuesday, and thursday.

Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer: If i had one, would i be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

Do you have a car: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

Have you received any special awards or recognition: I may already be a winner of the publishers clearing house sweepstakes.

Do you smoke: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

What would you like to be doing in five years: Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.

Sign here: Aries.