Pirate in the Bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."



"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."



"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."



The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"



The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."



"What about that eye patch?"



"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."



"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."



"It was my first day with the hook."

Give me my change

A man went into a pub, asked for a scotch, drank it and got up to leave. The barman yelled, "Hey, where's my money?"

"I paid you," the man insisted and walked out. Then another man came in, drank a scotch 

and did the same thing. When a third man entered and ordered a scotch, the barman told 

him, "Two men just came in and asked for scotch just like you, then left, saying they'd paid. What do you think about that?"

"Stop babbling," muttered the third man, "and give me my change."

Two Drops

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Big Jake's coming

Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"
As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs 

aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered.
Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whisky.
The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle.
Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?"
"No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!"

Want a little company?

A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her and says, "Hi, sweetie. Want a little 

company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

Old Timer Bars

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retirees from Singapore & they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

Shy guy goes into a bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. 


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table. 


After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations." 


To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean \$200?"