An antelope and a lion

An antelope and a lion entered a restaurant and sat together at
a table. "I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes," the antelope 

told the waiter.
"And what will your friend have?" the waiter asked.
"Nothing," the antelope replied.
"Isn't he hungry?" the waiter persisted.
"If he were hungry," said the antelope, "would I be sitting here?"

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

DOG IN HEAT

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? 
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? 

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

CAT & DOG FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

The Crabs

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he 

walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really 

special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately.
The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all 

the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we 

married." "Oh, darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day."

Parrot

A parrot advertised as a "very good burglar alarm" was bought by a family concerned about

crime. On its very first night on duty, an intruder tried to break in. The parrot crept off its perch 

and made its way to the phone to ring the police.
"Police station," said the sergeant. "How can I help you?"
The parrot shook its feathers, stood upright and screeched into the phone, 

"Who's a pretty boy then?"

Wild West

Back in the days of the wild west, a cowboy is riding across the country. He stops for an evening at a farm, as the farmer is gracious enough to offer him a room for the night. Unbeknownst to the farmer, the cowboy is a gifted ventriloquist. The cowboy/ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.

“Hey” he asks the farmer, “do you mind if I have a chat with your dog?”

“Well be my guest” the farmer smirks. “But dogs can’t talk, ya know…”

“Hey dawg, what do you think of mr Brown here?” the cowboy asks.

“Aww… I can’t complain. He is super nice. I get lots to eat, get to sleep indoors… Mr Brown is a great guy!”

The farmer looks in amazement. “I aint never heard him talk before!”

A littel while later, the cowboy says “so, do you mind if I talk to your horse?”

“Ummm….” the farmer replies. “Sure, but… uh… horses can’t talk. right?”

The cowboy interrogates the horse.

“Oh, Mr Brown?” The horse replies. “He is a fair man. He doesn’t work me too hard. He mucks out my stall all the time, brushes me down. He’s a good man.”

The farmer is amazed and shocked.

A little while later, the cowboy asks “Hey Mr Brown, is it ok with you if I talk to your sheep?”

The farmer replies quickly “NO! Them sheep are nothin but liars!!!”

Not while am eating

Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors gleam. It's the most sanitary place I've ever seen."
"Please," frowned the other cockroach. "Not while I'm eating!"

The Zebra Who Lived In The Zoo

There was a zebra who'd lived in the zoo all of her life and was starting to get old so the zoo keeper decided she could spend her final years resting on a farm. The Zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float and saw lots of hills, green grass, trees and strangle animals. She saw a big fat brown thing and ran up to it in excitement.


"Hi I'm a Zebra, what are you?" said the Zebra to the cow.

"I'm a cow."

"And what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer," said the cow.

"Cool!"



The Zebra then saw a funny looking white thing and ran upto it saying "Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh right, what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer," replied the chicken.

"Greeat, see you around!" said the Zebra.



Then the Zebra saw a lovely looking animal just like her, but without the stripes, and so she ran over to her.



"Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a Stallion." he replied.

"Wow!" said the Zebra, "and what do you do?"

"Take off your pyjamas darling, and i'll show you!" replied the Stallion.