[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
Caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
Knowledge can be dangerous if it doesn't lead to wisdom.
You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a jerk for the rest
of your life.
I'm about to tell my husband I wrecked the new car. I hope they can find
my body.
"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
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Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
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Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
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Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
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Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
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He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
- Samuel Johnson
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