Time

On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"

The tower answered, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"

The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."

Time

On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"

The tower answered, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"

The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."

Drum Duty

A soldier was celebrating his wedding night when he called for report immediately to headquarters n without screwed up his new bridal he set off to headquarters. He is informed that army fell short due to a lethal fight against terrorists in Afghanistan and soldiers are summoned to deploy on front border in Afghanistan. 

Soldier reached in Afghanistan with unsatisfied desire and report to his commander about availability. Hey Cop! you looks upset what’s the matter?, asked the commander?. Soldier informed the commander, how he left his bride with out a blowjob on wedding night and added that it would be not possible for him to fight well in the situation like this. 

We have an arrangement of sex satisfaction for soldiers like you, replied the commander? How it is possible, enquired the soldier? You will go up the roof of the barrack no.6 tonight and a lot of drums are placed there. Your duty to kick hard any one of the drums and that’s all you want. 

Soldier reached at the given place right in midnight and surprised to watch a number of drums placed on the roof as commander told him. He reached near one drum and as he kicks hard on one of the drums an a** revealed out of the drum to his amazement. He f*cked hard till his sexual desire fulfilled.

Commander called in the soldier next day and asked are you happy and satisfied right now? Oh well sir! It was amazing and I am now satisfy and ready to join my duty today. You will join duty on day after tomorrow, Informed the commander? Why tomorrow sir, asked the soldier?

Coz you have to perform drum duty tonight, replied the commander.

How Army policy began

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...

Jump

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."

The sailors

Two old sailors were talking after being out at sea for 3 months. One said, "When I get to shore I am going to have a super sauna, hot shower and then find a loose woman". The other said, "Well, good luck to you mate." Later on shore, this old sailor found his loose woman and takes her to his hotel room. Then does what an old sailor would do in those circumstances. After while he says to her, "Well, how am I doing?". She replied, "About 3 knots." "What do mean by that?” the old sailor replied.
She said, " 1. You're not hard, 2. You're not in and 3, You’re not getting your money back."

Military Jokes

Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
The Army will put guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

"crap": Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is 'crap'."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good 'crap'."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great 'crap'."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this 'crap'."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of "crap" is this?"

Jeep in the mud
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

A Boy Named Sue
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the guy.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Shave and a haircut
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Military Truisms
"Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Tracers work both ways.
Friendly fire isn't.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.