One Lines - Busines

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Bilogy Teacher

I heard this joke from my biology teacher.
What do math teachers do when they're constipated? They work it out with a pencil!

Sincererity

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

- Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Funniest One Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

No respect

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with 
her boyfriend."

"I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… 
Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel 
like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but 
your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor 
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a 
brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath……Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't 
mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly…my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are 
you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate 
myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on 
the back saying…Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent 
maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I 
didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough 
gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two 
bed sheets."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet 
she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with 
an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly 
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked 
him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . 
that is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No 
days..just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no 
good."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and 
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you 
see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate."

"A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there's nobody home. I went 
over… Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my 
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in 
the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me 
find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we'll ever find them.? He 
said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on 
the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On 
your mark…"

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last 
year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I 
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I 
woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle 
fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him 
stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to 
my father…I'm very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled 
through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"