Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

Airplane Maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Pilot 2 control tower

"This is pk742,
i'm 300miles 4rm land,
600 feet over water with no fuel..
...awaiting instruction"

Control Tower:
......
"contact zubaida appa, over"

In-Flight Jokes

The jokes are about Kulula Airline which has its head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


——————————————————————–


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”


—o0o—


On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”


—-o0o—


On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”


—-o0o—


“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”


—o0o—


“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”


—o0o—


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”


—o0o—


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”


—o0o—


From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”


—o0o—


“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”


—o0o—


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”


—-o0o—


“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”


—o0o—


“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”


—o0o—


And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”


—o0o—


Heard on a Kulula flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”