Am I Really That Old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you're gonna love this one...

A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist when she noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and she suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in her high school class some 40-odd years before and she wondered, "Could he be the same guy she had a secret crush on way back then?" When she got into the treatment room she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been her secret crush... or was he? After he examined her teeth she asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" she asked. "1959. Why do you ask?" he answered. "Well, you were in my class!" she exclaimed. To which the ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "So, what did you teach?"

Who is the real father of that kid?

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the Father a heart attack.

The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.

Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized.
"I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

Why do men snore

Two old men on a park bench

Two old men were sitting on a park bench visiting. Their wives were
sitting on the adjacent bench.

The first old man said, "I sure am having trouble with my memory these
days. Seems like I can't remember anything anymore."

2nd man: "I used to have that problem until I started taking those
little green pills."

1st man: "Little green pills. What are they?"

2nd man: "I can't think of the name. Let me see. I need the name of
a sweet smelling flower that comes from a thorny bush."

1st man: "Rose?"

2nd man: "Yes, Rose, that's it." (calling to his wife): "Rose, what is
the name of those little green pills?"

Tattooed Privates

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo"."A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?""I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly."What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Sex Advice

Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!