Monday, February 11, 2013

The Monkey and the Apples...

There once was a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired. One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples. He took one in each hand and ran back into the forest. He sniffed the apples and smelled nothing. He tried to eat them, but hurt his teeth. They were made of wood, but they were beautiful, and when the other monkeys saw them, he held onto them even tighter.

He admired his new possessions proudly as he wandered the jungle. They glistened red in the sun, and seemed perfect to him. He became so attached to them, that he didn't even notice his hunger at first.

A fruit tree reminded him, but he felt the apples in his hands. He couldn't bear to set them down to reach for the fruit. In fact, he couldn't relax, either, if he was to defend his apples. A proud, but less happy monkey continued to walk along the forest trails.

The apples became heavier, and the poor little monkey thought about leaving them behind. He was tired, hungry, and he couldn't climb trees or collect fruit with his hands full. What if he just let go?

Letting go of such valuable things seemed crazy, but what else could he do? He was so tired. Seeing the next fruit tree, and smelling it's fruit was enough. He dropped the wooden apples and reached up for his meal. He was happy again.

Like that little monkey, we sometimes carry things that seem too valuable to let go. A man carries an image of himself as "productive" - carries it like a shiny wooden apple. But in reality, his busyness leaves him tired, and hungry for a better life. Still, letting go seems crazy. Even his worries are sacred apples - they prove he's "doing everything he can." He holds onto them compulsively.

Moral: : Carry the valuable things along with you...

Friday, February 8, 2013

GRANDMOTHERS BOYFRIEND

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Thursday, February 7, 2013

BLONDES NEW YEAR REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"....isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911.... "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

STRANGE AND FUNNY TOMBSTONES

Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. . Pardon me For not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. . Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God

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In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went

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Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore One slug from a 44 No Les No More

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

GOOD ADVICE

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Monday, February 4, 2013

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"