Skeleton

Interviewer: What is a skeleton...? 
Juan: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!! 

VALENTINE CARD

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?'' asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."

Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger.... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry.The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us,our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing...!

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked

And NEVER asked to leave.

More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

. . . . . . . . . .

His name?.... We just called him TV.

He has a wife now....we call her "Computer"

Their first child is "Cell Phone".

Second child "IPod"

And JUST BORN FEW YEARS BACK WAS a Grandchild "IPAD"

OH MY HOW TRUE THIS IS!!

True Golfer

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom. After The Event Between Them Comes To A Conclusion.

The Man Says: "It Is Almost Time For Me To Depart, But Before I Depart I Must Ask You For A Favor."

The Woman Says: "Sure Anything!"

So The Man Asks Her If He Could Mow Her Lawn, And Of Course The Woman Allows Him To Mow Her Lawn. After The Man Is Done Mowing Her Lawn

The Woman Says: "Thanks For Mowing My Lawn"

And The Man Replies With: "Believe Me Its My Pleasure"

So The Man Goes Home To His Wife Who Is Very Angry With Him For Leaving So Early In The Morning And Coming Back In The Afternoon.

His Wife Then Angrily Says: "Where Have You Been All This Time"

The Man Smiles And Says: "Honey, I Am Not Going To Lie To You, I Have Been Having An Affair With A Lovely Young Woman Just A Few Miles From Here"

The Woman Startled Looks At His Grass Stained Shoes And

She Says: "YOU SOB, YOU Were PLAYING GOLF WERE'NT YOU!!!"

Two Drops

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

WARNING SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." A prison guard is shaving your head. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. 

He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ." He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25." Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."