No respect

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with 
her boyfriend."

"I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… 
Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel 
like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but 
your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor 
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a 
brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath……Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't 
mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly…my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are 
you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate 
myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on 
the back saying…Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent 
maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I 
didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough 
gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two 
bed sheets."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet 
she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with 
an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly 
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked 
him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . 
that is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No 
days..just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no 
good."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and 
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you 
see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate."

"A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there's nobody home. I went 
over… Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my 
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in 
the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me 
find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we'll ever find them.? He 
said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on 
the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On 
your mark…"

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last 
year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I 
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I 
woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle 
fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him 
stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to 
my father…I'm very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled 
through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"