Crashing Cans

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Next Life

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on
your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby
until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm. I
rest my case.

Embarassing TV Commercials

Sometimes I can manage to avoid menstruation, genital herpes and erectile dysfunction commercials for days at a time. Somehow, though, the television network marketing executives have esoteric knowledge of when I'm visiting my parents and watching TV with my mother. She suddenly screams, "Have they no shame? I've developed and/or adopted some techniques for dealing with these embarrassing moments.

Technique #1: Talk Over the Commercial. To execute this technique effectively, you have to divert the topic away from the commercial immediately. Always be prepared with a diversion topic. Have a question ready that your mother won't have to pause and think about before answering. This is an effective technique, but it is difficult to execute. So be prepared.

Technique #2: Bathroom/Kitchen Break. As soon as the commercial comes on, announce loudly and clearly that you have to go to the bathroom. Jump up and move urgently. Hide in the bathroom until you feel it's safe to come out. Use the kitchen as a contingency plan in case the commercial break is not yet completely finished. It is very important to not return until your program is on again. Otherwise, you, assuming that the commercial break is soon over, could return prematurely and be subject to a surprise attack.

Technique #3 Play dumb and oblivious. This technique can be employed after your mother has already acknowledged the commercial by her scream. It is too late now to break away to the bathroom or kitchen. And it would be too awkward to change topic. So just play dumb – "Oh, is that one of those commercials about erectile dysfunction? I didn't notice…" – until you can find the right time to employ technique #1 or #2.

Changes

Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever sincewe got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market." 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend. 

The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Vasectomy

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and 
said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to 
talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

No respect

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with 
her boyfriend."

"I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… 
Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel 
like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but 
your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor 
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a 
brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath……Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't 
mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly…my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are 
you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate 
myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on 
the back saying…Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent 
maker"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I 
didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough 
gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two 
bed sheets."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet 
she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with 
an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly 
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked 
him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . 
that is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No 
days..just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no 
good."

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and 
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you 
see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate."

"A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there's nobody home. I went 
over… Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my 
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in 
the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me 
find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we'll ever find them.? He 
said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on 
the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On 
your mark…"

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last 
year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I 
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I 
woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle 
fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him 
stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to 
my father…I'm very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled 
through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"