The Doctor’s Office:

They always ask at the doctor’s reception area why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. 
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my d***’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Boobs vs willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
' Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'

Wrong Hole

A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.

The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.

The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole

Australian Kiss

Man: "Hey baby, can I give you an Australian kiss?"
Woman: "What's that?"
Man: "It's like a French Kiss, only down under

Install update

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."


Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

No Time for Romance

This is the romantic story of my life; the woman Im going to marry. Romance till the end of time. But then you have kids and pets and in-laws and mortgages and all this other crap. Theres no time for romance. We are now business partners in this awful non-profit organization.