Thursday, September 29, 2016

Courtroom Jokes (9)

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Gets bigger by rubbing

A teacher saw the word "PENIS" on the blackboard. She erased it.
The next day she saw it again written on the board in big letters. She erased it.
On the third day, it was there again and was written even more bigger. It
has a note which said: The more you rub it, the more it gets bigger!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

How to Make a Man Happy

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his
movements
So whats so hard about that?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
woman happy, a man only needs
to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU
MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY
IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Sex in the office








Wednesday, November 18, 2015

44th Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. 

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. 

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." MEN NEVER LISTEN