Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Are my test results back?


A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched
over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a
good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Two Old Men

One day two old men decided to go to a **** house, because
they hadn't had sex in quite a while. They arrived at the
house and the head mistress decided they wouldn't know the
difference, so she put them in rooms with blow up dolls.

After they were done, they met out front, and the first old
man said, "What did you think about that? I think mine was
dead."

And the other replied, "I think mine was a witch."

"Why?", asked the first man.

"Because she farted and flew out the window."

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Pirate in the Bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."



"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."



"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."



The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"



The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."



"What about that eye patch?"



"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."



"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."



"It was my first day with the hook."

Monday, July 21, 2014

L.A. Math test


This high school math exam gives you insight into life in a crime-filled society.

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I want to appeal a case



Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Sweet Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins.

They enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.

Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this, she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.