Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Wake him up

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The last man

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The bachelor and the cow

Out in the country there lived a farmer whose daughter was the most beautiful woman in the county. When she was of marrying age the farmer rounded up the three most eligible bachelors in the county. "You three are my finalists,” he declared. "The first one who can pass my gauntlet I will give my daughter's hand in marriage. Now, the gauntlet consists of four tests. You must run through my field and then swim across the lake and then you must jump over the barbed wire fence. There you will meet the final test which will remain a secret until that time" the three men began the gauntlet. 
The first ran through the field but could not swim across the lake. The second ran the field and swam the lake but could not clear the fence. The third man ran the field, swam the lake and cleared the fence. "I am ready for your secret test,” declared the third man. "Alright" said the farmer. " The final test is you must have sex with my cow" the man was disgusted at first but then he thought, "it's only once and no one will know. Then I will have his beautiful daughter" the man then had sex with the cow. Afterward the farmer was not entirely convinced. " Have sex with my cow three more times and I will know your love for my daughter is sincere" said the farmer. At first the man was indignant but then thought of how beautiful the farmer's daughter was and how much he yearned to marry her. Eventually he gave in and had sex with the cow three more times. The farmer was overcome with joy. "You have proven yourself worthy,” exclaimed the farmer. "You have my blessing to marry my daughter." "Forget your daughter" the man responded, "how much you want for your cow?"

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Post Office

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?”
The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.”
“Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?”
The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.”
“Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we’ll get you started.”
The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”
“Well, here at the post office, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!”

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Construction Site Murder


A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Airplane Maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics