Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Post Office

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you a veteran?”
The guy says, “Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.”
“Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?”
The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.”
“Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we’ll get you started.”
The guy says, “If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?”
“Well, here at the post office, we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!”

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Construction Site Murder


A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Airplane Maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Some Jokes today

Q.Why are women similar to a tropical hurricane ?
A.When they arrive they're wet and warm, when they leave they take your house and car.

Q.How many Women does it take to change a light bulb?
A.None, they just sit there and bitch about it!

Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other?
A. If we don’t get some support around here, people are going to think, we are nuts!

What are the three good things about being women?
1. You can bleed without cutting yourself
2. You can bury a bone without digging a hole
3. You can make a guy cum without calling him
Q: Why do women talk more than men?
A: They have two sets of lips.
What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

STRESS is when wife is pregnant.
TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant.
PANIC is when both are pregnant.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken and the rest are disabled!

Q. Do you know why women have no brains ?
A. They have no penis to keep them in!

Lisa is going on a long ocean trip. She goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a three-month supply of birth control pills and 100 seasick pills.
The baffled pharmacist looks at her and says; “Lady, if it makes you so sick, why do it at all?

Q: How are rocks and women alike?
A: If they're flat you skim them.

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!” The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it!

A woman can have the body of a 21 year old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.I've still got it but nobody wants to see it.

The good news is that even as we get older guys still look at our boobs.The bad news is they have to kneel first.

Don't let aging get you down, it’s too hard to get back up.

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stop laughing.

Q. What is the difference between men and women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Mutation of deadly virus “I love you”
1. “I like you”.
2. “I like you, but let’s be friends”.
3. “I just wanted to hook up for a night”.
4. “I was drunk, I don’t remember anything”.
5. “Stop calling me, Idiot”.
6. “Fuck Off!!!”

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Family problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said :
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter, my stepmother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father in-law.

Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This
boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was
also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grand father of my half brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister
of my son, my stepmother is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother in-law of my child whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own GRANDFATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS.............................

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

ON THE WAY TO JAIL


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with 
them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. 

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything 
he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." 

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" 

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice 
and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" 

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." 

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" 

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback 
riding, swimming, roller-skating...."