Thursday, October 9, 2014

Family problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said :
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter, my stepmother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father in-law.

Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This
boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was
also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grand father of my half brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister
of my son, my stepmother is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother in-law of my child whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own GRANDFATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS.............................

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

ON THE WAY TO JAIL


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with 
them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. 

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything 
he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." 

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" 

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice 
and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" 

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." 

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" 

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback 
riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Are my test results back?


A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched
over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a
good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Two Old Men

One day two old men decided to go to a **** house, because
they hadn't had sex in quite a while. They arrived at the
house and the head mistress decided they wouldn't know the
difference, so she put them in rooms with blow up dolls.

After they were done, they met out front, and the first old
man said, "What did you think about that? I think mine was
dead."

And the other replied, "I think mine was a witch."

"Why?", asked the first man.

"Because she farted and flew out the window."

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Pirate in the Bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."



"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."



"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."



The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"



The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."



"What about that eye patch?"



"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."



"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."



"It was my first day with the hook."