Friday, November 30, 2012

YAHOO FOR THE INDIAN

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.


"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback."

Thursday, November 29, 2012

IT Helpdesk


customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?!"

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Crabs

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he 
walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really 
special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately.
The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all 
the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we 
married." "Oh, darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Gallant Cat

Two men go to visit their friend. When he opens the door, a cat hurtles out and rushes into the cellar like a bullet. Then to the garage. Then to the attic. Then behind the dumpsters. Then up on the roof… The friends stare all that, totally amazed.
“It’s because I had my tomcat castrated, today,” the host sadly explains.
“So what?”
“Now he runs around – cancelling dates…!”

Monday, November 26, 2012

A Business Plan

An old lady walks along a street, carrying a big bag in one hand, and a small bag in another hand. In every step she makes, a 5-dollar bill falls down from the bigger bag. A policeman approaches:
“There’s money dropping out from your bag, madam.”
“Thank you, son,” says the old woman, “I’ll just go back and pick it up.”
“Well, but where is the money from?” investigates the officer. “I mean, you didn’t steal it or anything?”
“Oh, you know, son, I live right next to the football stadium. And when some fella comes to pee in the bushes by my door, I will already be there, waiting with a sharp knife and yell: “What do you think, defiling my garden like that, you son of a bitch! Give me 5 dollars or I’ll cut it off!”
“What a brilliant way to do business…” the policeman muses. “By the way – what’s in the smaller bag?”
“Well son, not everybody is willing to pay…”

Thursday, November 22, 2012

All About Marriage

Fact or fiction (you make the call):

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A TOUCHING LUMPIA STORY



This is for all the Filipinos out there, and those who are lucky enough to have Filipino friends, those who have Filipino spouses and those who have Filipino next door neighbors.


The story goes like this:


An elderly foreigner lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite food, Filipino Lumpia.


Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled to the kitchen.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite food, LUMPIA .


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Filipino wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture…his parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the lumpia was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.


The aged and withered hand trembled on to a lumpia,


when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife:


“Git out op here!” she shouted. “dis are por your puneral !”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Parrot


A parrot advertised as a "very good burglar alarm" was bought by a family concerned about
crime. On its very first night on duty, an intruder tried to break in. The parrot crept off its perch 
and made its way to the phone to ring the police.
"Police station," said the sergeant. "How can I help you?"
The parrot shook its feathers, stood upright and screeched into the phone, 
"Who's a pretty boy then?"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice


The hostess at a party served a guest a cup of punch, warning him it was liberally laced with 
liquor. Next, she offered some to a religious man, who said, "I would rather commit adultery 
than drink liquor!" Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back into the bowl and said, 
"Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice."

Friday, November 16, 2012

Look at your Machine


Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Special Number


Frank believed five was his special number. He was born on May 5, had five 
children and lived at 555 Fifth Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, 
he was delighted to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race 
from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before the race, Frank went to betting 
window No. 5 and put $500 on Numero Cinco. It finished fifth.

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Temporary Chauffeur


An executive hired a temporary chauffeur when his regular driver went on 
holidays.He asked the new man for his name and was told, "Charles, sir."
"I always call my driver by his surname," the executive said curtly.
"My name is Charles Darling, sir," the chauffeur replied.
"Very well, Charles," said the executive. "Drive on."

Friday, November 9, 2012

Fed up


"I'm fed up with your jealousy," a wife tells her husband. "Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a private detective who's tall, blond, has 
green eyes and is very nice, though a little shy at first?"

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The biggest depositor


A new teller at the bank found that a colleague was embezzling enormous sums of money. He went straight to the manager and told him, "Mr Smith is robbing us of thousands of dollars."
"Yes," said the manager. "I know."
"You know?" gasped the teller. "Then why don't you fire him?"
"We can't afford to," sighed the manager. "He's our biggest depositor."

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Light Bulb


How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten - but we'll accept eight.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Men in firing squad


Two men are led to a wall to face a firing squad. An officer blindfolds them, but one man rips his from his face and hurls it defiantly to the ground.
"Please, Sam," begs his companion, "don't make trouble."

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Castaway


The young couple were shipwrecked on an island where a castaway explained that the only way to attract passing ships was to signal from a high coconut tree on the beach. He climbed 
the tree and yelled to the couple below, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked after the castaway came down. 
"We weren't making love." 
"Sorry," said the castaway. "From up there, it looked like you were." But each morning after that, the castaway scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb up to see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and seated 
himself there. Meanwhile, his wife and the castaway were embracing passionately. 
"That's amazing!" the husband mused as he looked down. "It does look like they're making 
love!"

Friday, November 2, 2012

Big Jake's coming


Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"
As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs 
aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered.
Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whisky.
The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle.
Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?"
"No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!"

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Barber Machine


"My barber has invented a fantastic machine," a man told his friend. "You stick your head in and it shaves you in a matter of seconds."
"That's impossible," declared the friend. "Everyone's head is shaped differently."
"Sure," said the first man, "but only at first."