No Time for Romance

This is the romantic story of my life; the woman Im going to marry. Romance till the end of time. But then you have kids and pets and in-laws and mortgages and all this other crap. Theres no time for romance. We are now business partners in this awful non-profit organization.

Dead or Alive

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Maiden Name

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. “Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired. “No,” I replied. “Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

Shy guy goes into a bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" 
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. 


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table. 


After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations." 


To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean \$200?"

Helicopter Flying Lessons

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. 


As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. 


He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! 


The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. 


The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. 


He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, 


"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. 


I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Anything for wife

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." 
 As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. 
"Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. 
"Please bring up a postcard."

Frozen Window

Wife texted husband -- "the window is frozen!" 

Husband texted back -- "pour warm water slowly over it" 


Wife texted back -- "now the computer is stuffed"

Have you anything to offer

Judge to accused: "Have you anything to offer before I pass sentence on you?"
Accused: "No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar."

Cartoon - Hilarious

Wuaaa big one!

Doctor Yelling

1 "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" the doctor shouted. Puzzled, a new nurse asked the sister,
"Why is he yelling like that?"
The sister explained, "He likes to call the shots around here."

Quotes Converted

Original Quote:

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….



Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …..
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat.

Psychologist:
If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Funny Photos

Sexy Photos

Hypnotist Cure

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back. "He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Health is better than wealth

A wife said "HEALTH IS BETTER THAT WEALTH".

When her husband died,the lawyer reads the will:

"To my children, i leave my mansions and $150M..

To my wife, i leave all my vitamins." 

Lovemaking - Tips for Seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed 
with you. 

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! 

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 

5 . Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it. 

6. Keep extra poly-grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the 
bed or between the thighs. 

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. 

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. 

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Not For Lunch

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

 A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

A Filipino, a German and a Masri

A Filipino, a German and a Masri got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. 


As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." 

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." 

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. 


The Masri was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." 

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Masri was also led away whimpering loudly. 


The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful parts of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" 

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied. 

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." 

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. 

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. 

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheikh asked. 

Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Masri to my back" !!!