Friday, September 28, 2012

Genuine answers on a GED Examination

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs     

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow           (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wt...!)                                                 
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.     

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.           

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Thursday, September 27, 2012


A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, 
big, huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the 
little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7' tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, 
testicles - 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." 

The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down 
and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?" 

In a weak voice, the little man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to 

The big guy says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd 
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' tall, weigh 350 lbs, 
have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,and my name is Turner 

The little man said, "Oh thank God! I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Chinese and jews making business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. 
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese, please tell me: What do you do with all these black bras?
The Chinese answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $200.00 each.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Be afraid if you annoy this husband

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. 
As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one.” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!” He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”

Friday, September 21, 2012

Love is blind

A guy went up to his father saying:
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".

Thursday, September 20, 2012

3 Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. While they're waiting in line at the pearly gates a guy asks them how they died. 

The first guy says "I live on the fourteenth floor of an apartment building. I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a little while now so today I decided to find out for sure. I left to go to work but after ten minutes doubled back and burst through the front door yelling 'Honey I'm home!.' I heard someone running and when I opened the bedroom door i saw my wife naked on the bed. I looked around the house but couldn't find her lover. I looked out at the deck and saw a guy hanging off the railing. I new instantly that he was the guy. I ran to him and started kicking him until he fell. He would have died but some shrubs cushioned his fall. Me, being fed up, went to the kitchen picked up the refrigerator and threw it off the balcony. Unfortunately the refrigerator was too heavy and I died of over-exertion just after throwing it."

The second guy says "I live on the fifteenth floor of an apartment building, and every day I go out onto my balcony to do my yoga. Today as I was doing it, I tripped and fell off of the balcony. Luckily I was able to grab on to the railing of the balcon underneath mine. Just then a guy came out onto the balcony and kicked me until I fell. Luckily my all was cushioned by some shrubs. But before I could get up, he threw a refrigerator on me and I died instantly."

The third guy then says "So picture this, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doctor and Lawyer

A doctor went to a party to relieve stress from work. He was hanging out with his lawyer friend until one person came to him
Person: doc, i have this backache ive been having for so long and after the doc gave a lil bit of tips he said to his lawyer friend
Doc: im sick of whenever i'm about to relieve my stress people come looking for me with their problems. oh hell were in a party. what'd you do if u were me?
Lawyer: simple, i'll just send him an invoice of my advice
Doc: hmm,that is a good idea. i will do that first thing in the morning

Later tomorrow morning the doc goes to his office and ask his clerk to send an invoice to the person he gave advice last night. and when he got into his room the first thing he got was an invoice from his lawyer friend.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wild West

Back in the days of the wild west, a cowboy is riding across the country. He stops for an evening at a farm, as the farmer is gracious enough to offer him a room for the night. Unbeknownst to the farmer, the cowboy is a gifted ventriloquist. The cowboy/ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.

“Hey” he asks the farmer, “do you mind if I have a chat with your dog?”

“Well be my guest” the farmer smirks. “But dogs can’t talk, ya know…”

“Hey dawg, what do you think of mr Brown here?” the cowboy asks.

“Aww… I can’t complain. He is super nice. I get lots to eat, get to sleep indoors… Mr Brown is a great guy!”

The farmer looks in amazement. “I aint never heard him talk before!”

A littel while later, the cowboy says “so, do you mind if I talk to your horse?”

“Ummm….” the farmer replies. “Sure, but… uh… horses can’t talk. right?”

The cowboy interrogates the horse.

“Oh, Mr Brown?” The horse replies. “He is a fair man. He doesn’t work me too hard. He mucks out my stall all the time, brushes me down. He’s a good man.”

The farmer is amazed and shocked.

A little while later, the cowboy asks “Hey Mr Brown, is it ok with you if I talk to your sheep?”

The farmer replies quickly “NO! Them sheep are nothin but liars!!!”

Let's make a circle

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself.....
and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Friday, September 14, 2012

A Blonde in the Appliance Store

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde?

The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Politician, Mathematician and an Idiot

3 person died on the same day and they all went to the pearly gates of St Peter..
1 was the worlds greatest politician, 1 the worlds greatest mathematician and the last one was an IDIOT..

when they reached the gate, they waited for St Peter to arrive
and while waiting , the Politician and Mathematician laughed at the idiot who just stood there quietly looking at everything in a stupid way

St Peter finally arrived and told them that due to the fact that heaven is overcrowded, they have imposed a new law to limit the number of souls going to heaven. The rule was that each of them have to give St Peter a question that he CANNOT answer correctly and only then they can enter..If not, they will go to hell..

The politician, very confident of himself, stood forward and gave St Peter all sorts of political issues and challenged St Peter to give the correct way to handle those issues. St Peter listened politely to all his questions and when the politician is done asking, St Peter snapped his fingers and a stack of papers appeared in front of the politician..

After reading the papers, the politician reluctantly admits that the papers were all correct
and Poof, he went to hell..

Next came the mathematician, also very confident that he will go to heaven. Also asking all sorts of difficult mathematical questions, St Peter listened politely again
 and once again, snapped his fingers and had a stack of papers appear. Pale and unhappy, the mathematician conceded that all the answers in the papers is correct..

Poof, off to hell he went..

then came the idiot..

"So, my dear sir, what questions would you have for me?", asked St Peter.

"Can you give me a wooden stool?", requested the idiot..

Puzzled, but deciding to humor the idiot, St Peter snapped his fingers and made a wooden stool appear
  in front of the idiot..

"Can I have a power Drill?", requested the idiot again.

Now slightly intrigued, St Peter again snaps his finger and provided the idiot with a power drill.

Using the power drill, the idiot drilled lots of holes into the wooden stool.. and when he is done, he sat on it.
and FARTED!!!

"Which hole did I fart through?", asked the idiot..

St Peter was confident and answered, " The third hole from the left!"

The idiot answered, "Wrong, I farted through my a**hole."

Poof, he went to heaven..

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Great News

I have “great” news for you
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you.

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Monday, September 10, 2012

Sex Education

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a pen*s on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" 

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

Friday, September 7, 2012

Make Love

Man : Pak, betul ke make love tu best?
Bapak: Haah, samalah best macam kamu korek hidung kamu!
Man: Tapi betul ke orang perempuan lagi rasa best?
Bapak: Kalau kamu korek hidung, hidung kamu ke jari kamu yang rasa best?
Man: Tapi kenapa orang perempuan tak suka diperkosa?
Bapak: Kalau kamu jalan2, tetiba ada org nak korek hidung kamu...kamu suka tak??
Man: Betul ke tak boleh buat tu masa datang bulan?
Bapak: Kalau hidung kamu berdarah, kamu nak korek jugak ke?!
Man: wahh.. bapak ni pandailah!

Whats Legal But Not Logical, Logical But Not Legal

A Boy Failed In exam. He Said 2 His Teacher: I'll ask U a Question. If u dnt 
answer u'll hve 2 give me A Grade"
Teacher: OK
Student: Whats Legal But Not Logical, Logical But Not Legal & Neither
Logical Nor Legal?

Teacher Cudnt Answer.He Gave Him A Grade Later the Studnt Answered:
Sir, U R 63 Yrs Old & Ur Wife Is 30. Thats Legal But Not Logical.
Ur Wife Has a 25 Yrs Old Boyfriend, Its Logical But Not Legal.
Now U Hav Given Ur Wive's Lover A Grade. Thats Neither Logical Nor Legal...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


Brain Exercise

Which way to go

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Funny Suicide

Monday, September 3, 2012

86 Year Old

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.”

“So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’..’

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

“Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Son of a b****

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)


Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"