Monday, December 31, 2012

FIFTEEN THINGS TO PASS ONTO YOUR DAUGHTER'S

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him. 


3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get men to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

AH TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

NEW COP

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."


"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Thursday, December 20, 2012

VISIT TO THE ZOO

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

TWO HUNDRED BUCKS

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store.", she replies. "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

OPERATION

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Monday, December 17, 2012

MOTHER OF SIX

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Friday, December 14, 2012

BACK TO FRONT

A young wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. " Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

HOLD ON TIGHT

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Monday, December 10, 2012

THE ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

Friday, December 7, 2012

THE TABLES ARE CHANGED

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."


I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

93 YEAR OLD WOMAN

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Monday, December 3, 2012

BOB'S ANNUAL REVIEW

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

Friday, November 30, 2012

YAHOO FOR THE INDIAN

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.


"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback."

Thursday, November 29, 2012

IT Helpdesk


customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?!"

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Crabs

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he 
walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really 
special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately.
The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all 
the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we 
married." "Oh, darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Gallant Cat

Two men go to visit their friend. When he opens the door, a cat hurtles out and rushes into the cellar like a bullet. Then to the garage. Then to the attic. Then behind the dumpsters. Then up on the roof… The friends stare all that, totally amazed.
“It’s because I had my tomcat castrated, today,” the host sadly explains.
“So what?”
“Now he runs around – cancelling dates…!”

Monday, November 26, 2012

A Business Plan

An old lady walks along a street, carrying a big bag in one hand, and a small bag in another hand. In every step she makes, a 5-dollar bill falls down from the bigger bag. A policeman approaches:
“There’s money dropping out from your bag, madam.”
“Thank you, son,” says the old woman, “I’ll just go back and pick it up.”
“Well, but where is the money from?” investigates the officer. “I mean, you didn’t steal it or anything?”
“Oh, you know, son, I live right next to the football stadium. And when some fella comes to pee in the bushes by my door, I will already be there, waiting with a sharp knife and yell: “What do you think, defiling my garden like that, you son of a bitch! Give me 5 dollars or I’ll cut it off!”
“What a brilliant way to do business…” the policeman muses. “By the way – what’s in the smaller bag?”
“Well son, not everybody is willing to pay…”

Thursday, November 22, 2012

All About Marriage

Fact or fiction (you make the call):

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A TOUCHING LUMPIA STORY



This is for all the Filipinos out there, and those who are lucky enough to have Filipino friends, those who have Filipino spouses and those who have Filipino next door neighbors.


The story goes like this:


An elderly foreigner lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite food, Filipino Lumpia.


Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled to the kitchen.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite food, LUMPIA .


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Filipino wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture…his parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the lumpia was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.


The aged and withered hand trembled on to a lumpia,


when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife:


“Git out op here!” she shouted. “dis are por your puneral !”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Parrot


A parrot advertised as a "very good burglar alarm" was bought by a family concerned about
crime. On its very first night on duty, an intruder tried to break in. The parrot crept off its perch 
and made its way to the phone to ring the police.
"Police station," said the sergeant. "How can I help you?"
The parrot shook its feathers, stood upright and screeched into the phone, 
"Who's a pretty boy then?"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice


The hostess at a party served a guest a cup of punch, warning him it was liberally laced with 
liquor. Next, she offered some to a religious man, who said, "I would rather commit adultery 
than drink liquor!" Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back into the bowl and said, 
"Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice."

Friday, November 16, 2012

Look at your Machine


Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Special Number


Frank believed five was his special number. He was born on May 5, had five 
children and lived at 555 Fifth Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, 
he was delighted to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race 
from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before the race, Frank went to betting 
window No. 5 and put $500 on Numero Cinco. It finished fifth.

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Temporary Chauffeur


An executive hired a temporary chauffeur when his regular driver went on 
holidays.He asked the new man for his name and was told, "Charles, sir."
"I always call my driver by his surname," the executive said curtly.
"My name is Charles Darling, sir," the chauffeur replied.
"Very well, Charles," said the executive. "Drive on."

Friday, November 9, 2012

Fed up


"I'm fed up with your jealousy," a wife tells her husband. "Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a private detective who's tall, blond, has 
green eyes and is very nice, though a little shy at first?"

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The biggest depositor


A new teller at the bank found that a colleague was embezzling enormous sums of money. He went straight to the manager and told him, "Mr Smith is robbing us of thousands of dollars."
"Yes," said the manager. "I know."
"You know?" gasped the teller. "Then why don't you fire him?"
"We can't afford to," sighed the manager. "He's our biggest depositor."

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Light Bulb


How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten - but we'll accept eight.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Men in firing squad


Two men are led to a wall to face a firing squad. An officer blindfolds them, but one man rips his from his face and hurls it defiantly to the ground.
"Please, Sam," begs his companion, "don't make trouble."

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Castaway


The young couple were shipwrecked on an island where a castaway explained that the only way to attract passing ships was to signal from a high coconut tree on the beach. He climbed 
the tree and yelled to the couple below, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked after the castaway came down. 
"We weren't making love." 
"Sorry," said the castaway. "From up there, it looked like you were." But each morning after that, the castaway scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb up to see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and seated 
himself there. Meanwhile, his wife and the castaway were embracing passionately. 
"That's amazing!" the husband mused as he looked down. "It does look like they're making 
love!"

Friday, November 2, 2012

Big Jake's coming


Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"
As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs 
aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered.
Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whisky.
The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle.
Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?"
"No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!"

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Barber Machine


"My barber has invented a fantastic machine," a man told his friend. "You stick your head in and it shaves you in a matter of seconds."
"That's impossible," declared the friend. "Everyone's head is shaped differently."
"Sure," said the first man, "but only at first."

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Doctor's advice



Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.

Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

CAR OR HAIRCUT


A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could 
discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades 
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real 
proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about 
that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist 
had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long 
hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Monday, October 29, 2012

Set Up


Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

Thursday, October 25, 2012


Teacher is explaining to the student,
'if you see someone sinking in the water, you should pull his hair to save him from the water. It will be easy for you.'

Student: but sir, if it happens to you, we shouldn’t help you.

Teacher: why?

Student: because you don’t have any hair.

BREAKFAST



A hotel guest called room service,"I want a breakfast of two eggs burned & black around the edges,undercooked bacon,weak coffee,watery orange juice,and cold,hard,unbuttered toast."
The room service clerk asked,"Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?"
" I am HOMESICK!" the guest replied.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Want a little company?


A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her and says, "Hi, sweetie. Want a little 
company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

Friday, October 19, 2012

Beaumont diamond


The enormous diamond ring a woman wore on a luxury cruise attracted much attention 
from fellow passengers. "It's the Beaumont diamond," she told her table companions, 
"and like the notorious Hope diamond, it carries a terrible curse."
"What's the curse?" they asked.
"Mr Beaumont," explained the woman.

Advice


ADVICE FOR MARRIED MEN.
never laugh at your wife's choices you are one of them.

3 stupid stages of life!



teenage:
Have Time + energy...but No Money.
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy...but No Time.
Old Age:
Have Time + Money...but no Energy.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I-kids


Apple was going to make a smaller
version of ipod touch for kids.
until they realized that 'itouch kids'
sounded really wrong and awkward.

Names



BOY:My fathers name is LAUGHING and
my my mother's name is SMILING.
TEACHER:You must be KIDDING?
BOY:nO,thats my brother. I'm JOKING...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

How did i come into this world


Boy: daddy? how did I come into this world?? 
Dad: listen carefully.. 
mom & dad met each other in a cyber cafe...in the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom a big USB. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick... when dad finished uploading we discovered we did not use firewall...since it was too late to cancel or delete,nine months later we ended up w/ a virus... 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Imagine


TEACHER: imagine u r a millionaire 
write your life history 
(1 boy didn't write) 
TEACHER: why r u not writing? 
BOY: i'm waiting for my secretary! 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Woman 2 Choices



A Woman has only 2 choices in LIFE:

(1) To be SINGLE and look for a husband every DAY..
or
(2) To get MARRIED and look for her husband every NIGHT..

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Nun pregnant


The doctor's receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the surgery and left. She 
asked the doctor what happened. "Well," said the doctor, "I examined her and told her she 
was pregnant."
"Doctor!" exclaimed the receptionist. "That can't be!"
"Of course not," he said, "but it certainly cured her hiccups."

Happy medium


The man wanted to contact a spirit. "I know just the person," said his friend. "This woman is terrific, except that she's a bit of a complainer."
"Forget it," said the first man. "I insist on a happy medium."

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Plumber and his apprentice


The old plumber was telling his apprentice how hard life was when he was learning the trade. "You've got it easy, young man," he said. "In my day, they used to lay two lengths of pipe, 
then turn the water on, and we'd have to keep ahead of it."

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Roll a hoop


The doctor told Boswell to exercise and advised him to walk to and from work. Boswell 
thought that was boring, so the doctor suggested, "Roll a hoop along."
Boswell took the advice, but to avoid stares from his workmates he left the hoop in the car 
park each morning until one day the parking attendant told him a car had damaged the hoop. "Don't worry," he added. "We'll get you a new one tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" responded the distraught Boswell. "How am I supposed to get home tonight?"

Monday, October 1, 2012

Industrial spy


Applying for a job as an industrial spy, six applicants were each given a sealed envelope 
and told to take them to the fourth floor.
As soon as he was alone, one man opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read: 
"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor immediately."

Friday, September 28, 2012

Genuine answers on a GED Examination


The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs     

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow           (Simple, but brilliant)
      
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wt...!)                                                 
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.     

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.           

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.            

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Thursday, September 27, 2012

TURNER BROWN


A man goes into an elevator, looks around and notices that he is alone except for this great, 
big, huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the 
little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7' tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, 
testicles - 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." 

The little man faints dead away and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down 
and brings him back by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK?" 

In a weak voice, the little man says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to 
me? 

The big guy says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd 
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7' tall, weigh 350 lbs, 
have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,and my name is Turner 
Brown." 

The little man said, "Oh thank God! I thought you said TURN AROUND!"

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Chinese and jews making business


A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. 
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese buys 25 pairs.
 
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
 

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese, please tell me: What do you do with all these black bras?
The Chinese answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $200.00 each.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Be afraid if you annoy this husband


A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. 
As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one.” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!” He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”

Friday, September 21, 2012

Love is blind


A guy went up to his father saying:
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
 
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".

Thursday, September 20, 2012

3 Guys in Heaven


Three guys die and go to heaven. While they're waiting in line at the pearly gates a guy asks them how they died. 

The first guy says "I live on the fourteenth floor of an apartment building. I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a little while now so today I decided to find out for sure. I left to go to work but after ten minutes doubled back and burst through the front door yelling 'Honey I'm home!.' I heard someone running and when I opened the bedroom door i saw my wife naked on the bed. I looked around the house but couldn't find her lover. I looked out at the deck and saw a guy hanging off the railing. I new instantly that he was the guy. I ran to him and started kicking him until he fell. He would have died but some shrubs cushioned his fall. Me, being fed up, went to the kitchen picked up the refrigerator and threw it off the balcony. Unfortunately the refrigerator was too heavy and I died of over-exertion just after throwing it."
 

The second guy says "I live on the fifteenth floor of an apartment building, and every day I go out onto my balcony to do my yoga. Today as I was doing it, I tripped and fell off of the balcony. Luckily I was able to grab on to the railing of the balcon underneath mine. Just then a guy came out onto the balcony and kicked me until I fell. Luckily my all was cushioned by some shrubs. But before I could get up, he threw a refrigerator on me and I died instantly."
 

The third guy then says "So picture this, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doctor and Lawyer


A doctor went to a party to relieve stress from work. He was hanging out with his lawyer friend until one person came to him
Person: doc, i have this backache ive been having for so long and after the doc gave a lil bit of tips he said to his lawyer friend
Doc: im sick of whenever i'm about to relieve my stress people come looking for me with their problems. oh hell were in a party. what'd you do if u were me?
Lawyer: simple, i'll just send him an invoice of my advice
Doc: hmm,that is a good idea. i will do that first thing in the morning

Later tomorrow morning the doc goes to his office and ask his clerk to send an invoice to the person he gave advice last night. and when he got into his room the first thing he got was an invoice from his lawyer friend.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wild West


Back in the days of the wild west, a cowboy is riding across the country. He stops for an evening at a farm, as the farmer is gracious enough to offer him a room for the night. Unbeknownst to the farmer, the cowboy is a gifted ventriloquist. The cowboy/ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.

“Hey” he asks the farmer, “do you mind if I have a chat with your dog?”

“Well be my guest” the farmer smirks. “But dogs can’t talk, ya know…”

“Hey dawg, what do you think of mr Brown here?” the cowboy asks.

“Aww… I can’t complain. He is super nice. I get lots to eat, get to sleep indoors… Mr Brown is a great guy!”

The farmer looks in amazement. “I aint never heard him talk before!”

A littel while later, the cowboy says “so, do you mind if I talk to your horse?”

“Ummm….” the farmer replies. “Sure, but… uh… horses can’t talk. right?”

The cowboy interrogates the horse.

“Oh, Mr Brown?” The horse replies. “He is a fair man. He doesn’t work me too hard. He mucks out my stall all the time, brushes me down. He’s a good man.”

The farmer is amazed and shocked.

A little while later, the cowboy asks “Hey Mr Brown, is it ok with you if I talk to your sheep?”

The farmer replies quickly “NO! Them sheep are nothin but liars!!!”

Let's make a circle


One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself.....
and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Friday, September 14, 2012

A Blonde in the Appliance Store


A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde?

The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Politician, Mathematician and an Idiot


3 person died on the same day and they all went to the pearly gates of St Peter..
1 was the worlds greatest politician, 1 the worlds greatest mathematician and the last one was an IDIOT..

when they reached the gate, they waited for St Peter to arrive
and while waiting , the Politician and Mathematician laughed at the idiot who just stood there quietly looking at everything in a stupid way

St Peter finally arrived and told them that due to the fact that heaven is overcrowded, they have imposed a new law to limit the number of souls going to heaven. The rule was that each of them have to give St Peter a question that he CANNOT answer correctly and only then they can enter..If not, they will go to hell..

The politician, very confident of himself, stood forward and gave St Peter all sorts of political issues and challenged St Peter to give the correct way to handle those issues. St Peter listened politely to all his questions and when the politician is done asking, St Peter snapped his fingers and a stack of papers appeared in front of the politician..

After reading the papers, the politician reluctantly admits that the papers were all correct
and Poof, he went to hell..

Next came the mathematician, also very confident that he will go to heaven. Also asking all sorts of difficult mathematical questions, St Peter listened politely again
 and once again, snapped his fingers and had a stack of papers appear. Pale and unhappy, the mathematician conceded that all the answers in the papers is correct..

Poof, off to hell he went..

then came the idiot..

"So, my dear sir, what questions would you have for me?", asked St Peter.

"Can you give me a wooden stool?", requested the idiot..

Puzzled, but deciding to humor the idiot, St Peter snapped his fingers and made a wooden stool appear
  in front of the idiot..

"Can I have a power Drill?", requested the idiot again.

Now slightly intrigued, St Peter again snaps his finger and provided the idiot with a power drill.

Using the power drill, the idiot drilled lots of holes into the wooden stool.. and when he is done, he sat on it.
and FARTED!!!

"Which hole did I fart through?", asked the idiot..

St Peter was confident and answered, " The third hole from the left!"

The idiot answered, "Wrong, I farted through my a**hole."

Poof, he went to heaven..

Two dwarfs


Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".

The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Great News


I have “great” news for you
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you.
 

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Monday, September 10, 2012

Sex Education


A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a pen*s on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" 

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

Friday, September 7, 2012

Make Love


Man : Pak, betul ke make love tu best?
Bapak: Haah, samalah best macam kamu korek hidung kamu!
Man: Tapi betul ke orang perempuan lagi rasa best?
Bapak: Kalau kamu korek hidung, hidung kamu ke jari kamu yang rasa best?
Man: Tapi kenapa orang perempuan tak suka diperkosa?
Bapak: Kalau kamu jalan2, tetiba ada org nak korek hidung kamu...kamu suka tak??
Man: Betul ke tak boleh buat tu masa datang bulan?
Bapak: Kalau hidung kamu berdarah, kamu nak korek jugak ke?!
Man: wahh.. bapak ni pandailah!

Whats Legal But Not Logical, Logical But Not Legal


A Boy Failed In exam. He Said 2 His Teacher: I'll ask U a Question. If u dnt 
answer u'll hve 2 give me A Grade"
Teacher: OK
Student: Whats Legal But Not Logical, Logical But Not Legal & Neither
Logical Nor Legal?
 

Teacher Cudnt Answer.He Gave Him A Grade Later the Studnt Answered:
Sir, U R 63 Yrs Old & Ur Wife Is 30. Thats Legal But Not Logical.
Ur Wife Has a 25 Yrs Old Boyfriend, Its Logical But Not Legal.
Now U Hav Given Ur Wive's Lover A Grade. Thats Neither Logical Nor Legal...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Salary


Brain Exercise


Which way to go


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Funny Suicide


Monday, September 3, 2012

86 Year Old


The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.”

“So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’..’

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

“Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Son of a b****



Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
 

Priest: "What have you done my child?"
 

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."
 

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"
 

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
 

Girl: "Yes father."
 

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b****."
 

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
 

Girl: "Yes father."
 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
 

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
 

Girl: "Yes father."
 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
 

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
 

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
 

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b****."
 

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
 

Priest: "THAT SON OF A b****!!!"

Thursday, August 30, 2012

6 Important Life Lessons, Knock Some Senses into Your Head


Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Why can’t you be like that?


Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. 

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Nude statues


2 nude statues man n woman are built staring at each other in front of a pretty little garden. One day an angel comes down n turn them into real life humans. 

"Do whatever u want to do! You have 30mins!" said the angel.

Excited, the 2 nude man n woman ran over to the bushes and there were sounds and movements all over the bushes. After 15min, they came out laughing and tired.
 

"You 2 still have 15min more to go"reminded the angel.

the male statue turns to the female n say "u wana do it again?"
 

"Yes pls. But this time i get to hold the bird`s leg and u poop on its head" answered the woman.

Monday, August 27, 2012

COLD WATER


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?" 

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car". 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Friday, August 24, 2012

If you can give me a reason


A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Student who Obtained 0% on an exam


AND HOW HE DID IT 

Personally, I would have given him 100%


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? 
* his last battle 


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
* at the bottom of the page 


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? 
* liquid 


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? 
* marriage 


Q5. What is the main reason for failure? 
* exams 


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
* Lunch & dinner 


Q7. What looks like half an apple? 
* The other half 


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 
* It will simply become wet 


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? 
* No problem, he sleeps at night. 


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. 


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? 
* Very large hands 


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
* No time at all, the wall is already built. 


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Who listens


Two psychiatrists met at their 20th medical-school reunion. While one was vibrant, the 
other looked withered and worried.
"So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's 
problems all day long for years has made an old man of me."
Replied the younger looking man, "Who listens?"

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The novice angler


The novice angler wasn't having any luck, though another man nearby was pulling up fish 
after fish. "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," mumbled the man.
"I'm sorry but I didn't quite understand you," the novice apologised.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," the fisherman repeated. The neophyte shook his head and began to turn away, but the other man held up his hand, spat twice into his coffee cup and explained, "You've got to keep the worms warm."

Advice about your insomnia


Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"
Patient: "Yes. I got as far as 24,534 and then it was time to get up."

Newcomer to prison


On his first day, a newcomer to prison heard the other inmates roar with laughter each time one of them called out a number. Mystified by this, he asked his cellmate what was 
happening. "We know all our jokes so well that, to save time retelling them, we've numbered them," he was told.
Thinking he would join in, the newcomer shouted "208." To his amazement, the whole prisonshook with laughter. The cellmate wiped tears from his eyes and commented, "We hadn't 
heard that one before."