Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Lay or Jack Off

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, 'Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'

Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.

Iraqi Driving Licence

Whats the use of the photo? don't they all looks the same?

Monday, March 30, 2009

The kid in boondocks

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


having 69..lol

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The superheroes

Superman awoke one day and realized it was going to be a very slow day. He would not have to perform any super hero acts. So, he decided that it would be a good day to visit some of his super friends.So, on with his cape and out the window he went. He decided to visit Batman and Robin first. Superman entered the bat cave and immediately began jabbering. Robin responded, "Superman you must leave. The Bat mobile is broke down and we must get it fixed, all your doing is slowing us up." So Superman flew out of the cave and decided to see Spiderman.At Spiderman's house, Superman knocked on the door. No one answered. Superman then walked around to the side of the house and peeked in a window. There was Spiderman making love with his girlfriend. Superman immediately knew he could not interrupt Spiderman. So, again away he flew.As Superman was flying around trying to decide whom to go see next, he noticed Wonder woman lying down on the ground. As he soared down closer he noticed she didn't have any clothes on. Superman couldn't figure out what was going on. Superman then realized that didn't matter. He could fly down there at 300 miles per hour, bang her a couple of times and fly away, before she could realize what had happened.So, down he went, 300 mph, bamm bamm, away he went.Wonder woman jumped up and said, "What the hell was that!"The Invisible man rolled over and said, "I don't know, but my butt sure hurts!"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Bookseller

A guy with a speech impediment --- he stutters – gets a job selling books door-to-door. On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o’clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the firs day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, “This is truly amazing,” “In a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?

Friday, March 20, 2009


A woman who never married, specified in her will that her tombstone say, “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin.” That was too many words to put on the stone so they just wrote, “Returned unopened.”

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Babies in the Womb

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist,
so everyone will know what it looks like in here."
The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice
in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that
snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Express Hair Cut

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Busy Man

My colleague job involves traveling to different workplaces. So he is always in a hurry one day his vehicle run out of fuel and needed refilling.He went to the nearest petrol station, went to the counter and pay, he then aboard his car and leave. Reaching his destination he realized he paid the money without refilling his petrol!!

In Malaysia

N A T I O N A L ……

National Rice Cooker
99% of Malaysian households use a National Rice Cooker, the
other 1% don't eat rice.

Lucky or Poppy.
Every self respecting mongrel in Malaysia who has an owner will
invariably be named Poppy or Lucky.

Nasi Lemak.
Who cooks and eats nasi lemak at home for breakfast anyway?

Maggi Mee
Also the national lunch and dinner if you're a out of town
student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazy fella, etc.

Maggi Mee.

Traffic Jam


Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at

Food Poisoning

Menstrual Pain

The "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails we have another secret
weapon; Tiger Balm.

Minyak Angin Cap Kapak
Happy Hours

The sight of a police road block.

Pil 'Chi-Kit' Teck Aun
The miracle cure! It works. Ten minutes and you're "dried" up.
Always pack some of this stuff when you're travelling.

Pil 'Chi-Kit' Teck Aun
The pills are so tiny it's easy to swallow an extra mouthful and
overdose on it. No one can help you here.

Eno, Leng Chee Kang, Chinese Herbal Tea, Tonic Water, Barley
Drink, Chin Chau.

Rolex. Usually the model with the gold bracelet and diamond
studded bezel.

Tag Hauer
Every yuppie's must-have "show off" accessory. Usually further
down the wrist, in the palm is a tiny Motorola StarTac cellular
phone. The irony is that Motorola spent much time and effort
creating a phone that fits comfortably inside the shirt pocket.

Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek Philippe from Petaling

The Sarong (and the Pagoda T-shirt)

Mini Bus Drivers

Anywhere As long as it is not your house

Kedai Pajak Gadai (Pawn Shop)

Smelly cuttlefish (during the trailers), Kua chee (during the

Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs

Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs


Carrefour, Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!! On second
thoughts, why bother pronouncing Peugeot, Renault or Citroen
correctly. I think it sounds better, when the local mechanics
say "Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always Mee Lo,
now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't be embarassed
saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang
utan as "rangutan"

"Lemon Tree"
"Natural successor: "Barbie Girl".

Jalan Tun Razak, Kuala Lumpur
On a short stretch there's the National Theatre, National Heart
Institute and the National Library.

Attacking the Balloons This one I can never figure out.
When the balloons are released from the ballroom's ceiling,
grown men in suits, women, children, even the waiters will attack
the balloons like savages. They squashed and stomped on the
balloons so ferociously until not one single inflated balloon is
left. They take no prisoners.
They then quietly march out of the ballroom like victorious
soldiers leaving behind a trail of death and destruction.

Whenever you're having your picture taken, the friend behind
you will always place two "horns" on your head.

Friday, March 13, 2009

17 Rules Between Men and Women

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Baby Cot

Oh My! Don't do this to your babies.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

You came to me

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last
nights events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.................. you bloody mosquito.

Love, Lust& Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room

Love- When intercourse is called making love
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids

Love- When you share everything you own
Lust- When you steal everything they own
Marriage- When the bank owns everything

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought

Love- When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner
Lust- When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner
Marriage- When you’re only interested in your golf score

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and vaseline
Marriage- You only leave the house when you’re allowed

Monday, March 9, 2009

Suicide Attempt

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.

Friday, March 6, 2009

4 Liquid Stages of Life

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Wanna share my Break Fast


The Obedient wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it :-)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

All men human or not are the same!

Monday, March 2, 2009

More Jokes for you

1 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

2 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

3 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

4 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

5 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

6 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

7 Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

8 Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

9 What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

10 Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara

11 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

12 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

13 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

14 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician

15 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.

16 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

17 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

18 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

19 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

20 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

21 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense

22 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

23 It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to
protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME!

24 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!

25 A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

26 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"

27 Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

28 The Equation:

7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

29 Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!

30 A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom

31 Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

32 Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.

33 Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

34 Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?

35 My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

36 Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.

37 Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

38 Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

39 Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

40 Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.

41 Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."

42 A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !

43 TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

44 TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

45 TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

46 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

47 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!

48 TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.

49 TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

50 L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

51 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.

52 TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

53 Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy jumps inside and
swims underneath them and counts the number of legs.
There are only 36 legs.HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!

54 L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

55 Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same
at home.

56 Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!