Friday, July 31, 2009

Best man speech jokes

Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?

I remember the first time _____ and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, "Fancy a game of chess while you're waiting?

Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it!

A Man Is A Luxury Not A Necessity

I do not need
A _ _ _ _ing man
I’ll get one later
If I can.

I do not need
A man at all
I do not need one,
Short or tall.

Not in a house,
Not in a van,
I do not need
A _ _ _ _ing man.

Not on the couch
Not in my bed
I’d rather sleep
Alone instead

I do not need
A _ _ _ _ing man
I tried it once ~
He turned and ran

I do not need
One here or there
I do not need
One anywhere

I do not need
A_ _ _ _ing man
There must be
A better plan

Not one at work
Not one at play
I do not need one
Night or day

I’ve said it once
I’ve said it twice
A world without them
Could be nice

Black men, white men,
Men in blue
I am through with
All of you

Even though they
Make me drool
I’m not a fan of
The dating pool

I would not could not
Be a fool
Even for the
Biggest tool

Now thanks to
My new vibrator
You _ _ _ _ing man
I’ll see you later

I’ll try my hardest
Not to care
Even if he stands
There bare!!

I do not need
A _ _ _ _ing man
That is where my
Plight began

Strong weiner

Sand Castle

Brinjal

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sincererity

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Preacher

Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Chocolate

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Chained to a railroad tie

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Red Light

Oh My God!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Man before a Judge

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce. " "Because, " the man says, "I live in a two-story house. " The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

Satan and Man

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. so Satan walked up to the man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for All eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Hypnotist cure

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back. "He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mysticism made simple

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you care.

(Well, my job is done .....Your turn!)

If Men got pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

Women would rule the world.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Two Men And a Fish

"Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied,"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Free Kittens

My friend's cat had kittens, and she was able to give away all but 4 of them. I told her I would help her find homes for the last 4.
I can't take one because I am allergic to cats, but if you could take just one it would be such a help, and the kittens could
have a nice home. Or perhaps you know someone who would.

Since she lives way out by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.

I've attached pictures of the last 4 kittens.
Can you help?


















Lol!.

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here.

Share this!

Happy Weekend!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Unused Birthdat present

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
" Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

Homeless woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman answered.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to eat"

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Long Celebration

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I heard he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think that he could go on celebrating that long?"

4 Letter Words

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they arrived home from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic,we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before...Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother.... he is using words like:

DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Child's Prayer

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......
Amen !!!

Deep Study

Once a man goes into an underground hole and starts studying,
Another man asked - " What are u doing there.?
Man answered " deep study"

Stick Deodorant


Buford bought a deodorant stick today.

He'd never used one before, so he read the instructions. They said 'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'

He's in ICU at the moment, but his farts smell lovely!!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

That's what you think

A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see
you are the father of two children," she said. "That's what you think," the man
replied. "I'm the father of three children." The fortuneteller smiled and said,
"That's what *you* think."

My mother is better

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."

Saving

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his "money".

Boy Peeks in through the keyhole

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he
passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she
gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Morning shower in a fountain

guys don't do this...lol


Australian kiss

Man: "Hey baby, can I give you an Australian kiss?"
Woman: "What's that?"
Man: "It's like a French Kiss, only down under

Wrong hole

A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.

The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.

The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole

Sponge

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"
somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge." Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"
Johnny proudly stated "The maid is got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

Friday, July 17, 2009

Look Different

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

- Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Its Dangerous Riding on a Horny Elephant!


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hot dog, a cucumber, and a d****

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

A letter from an Indian mother to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved20 miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The First time it rained for 3 days and
second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull Him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died
trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father
had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.


Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
_______________________

Dear Mom,

I am very happy to receive news from home. But I did not get the coat you sent me. I checked the envelop inside outside but did not find the coat. Please resend the coat from the new address I may get it this time.

It is very cold here so I cannot be in a well. Last
week a flu tried to catch me but I told him it was
not me so I am OK now.

I am missing you and cry every day because you are away. I now cry more because you have moved 20 miles further away.

I am very lonely and by myself. I needed someone to talk to so I exchanged my bicycle for a donkey. He understands Hindi and reminds me of my uncle Jetinder. I name him Jetty. I send you my picture with Jetty (in the picture I am the one standing on the left).

Here time is 7 hours different so sometime I am
confused when I eat because I do not know if I am eating lunch or dinner.

The black and white TV I bring with me from India does not show Indian movies like before. So I decided to buy a VCR to rent Indian movies but I do not have enough money. If you don't send me money soon I will sell the TV to buy the VCR.

To know if my sister has a boy or girl you can check his name if he has a male name then he is a boy if not then he is a girl.

I will come back to India after 7 years. Please tell
my friend Balwinder to wait for me to burry him.


P.S. I don't have money to buy stamps so please put some stamps on this letter when you receive it. If you don't get this letter after a week please let me know. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wrong Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: .....not long enough

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Everybody Knows Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know Bill; let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"ba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know Bill; let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on
her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight
was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her
because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a
plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet
from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were
talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and
asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a
thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran
toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

Different Phases of a man

After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman

Monday, July 13, 2009

Quotes converted

Original Quote:

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….



Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free …..
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat.

Psychologist:
If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Funnies








Friday, July 10, 2009

Heavy letter

Post Master in a post office told to a woman,”You have to put another stamp on this letter as it is too heavy.

The woman replied, “How would an extra stamp make it lighter.”

Pay your tax

Income tax officer gave tips to a young lady, “You should pay your income tax with smile.”

The lady replied, “I have tried it thrice, but every time they insist on cash or cheque.”

Job application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: John Flower

Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: yes.

Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.

Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: It sucked.

Hours available to work: Any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.M., Monday, tuesday, and thursday.

Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer: If i had one, would i be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

Do you have a car: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

Have you received any special awards or recognition: I may already be a winner of the publishers clearing house sweepstakes.

Do you smoke: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

What would you like to be doing in five years: Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.

Sign here: Aries.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

New Computer Engineer

Nice Hair

Performe an autopsy

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Cool Picture of Banana

What is ABCDEFG?

A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Bad & Terrible News

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

A small mistake

Friday, July 3, 2009

Happy and Sad at the same time

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your cock's bigger
than your brother's".

A Little Boy

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees
his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your
wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked
puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over
and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Smart Boy

A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,” Boy. What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his Questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 4th grade."

Madam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Madam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to UNIVERSITY,
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!.”

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Depressed Joe

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself. " "Don't be stupid, Joe, " said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy. " "How?" asked Joe. "Easy, " replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?" "I clean out septic tanks. " Joe replied.

Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh, " replies the husband, "she's my mistress. " "Well, that's the last straw, " says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. " "I can understand that, " replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours. " Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress, " says her husband. "Ours is prettier, " she replies

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Dieting Rules

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Overworked

When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"