Thursday, January 31, 2013


A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the matter how good his manners are.


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Deer Hunting Season

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

IT Helpdesk

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Monday, January 21, 2013

IT Helpdesk

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Economist Wife

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," declared the economist's wife. "Our sex life is terrible. All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

IT Helpdesk

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

IT Helpdesk

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?!%#$

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

IT Helpdesk

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Monday, January 14, 2013

IT Helpdesk

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Accused of doing nothing

"There I was, relaxing in my favourite chair last Sunday," one office worker told another,
 "reading the newspaper, watching one football match on TV and listening to another on the 
radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack and rubbing the dog's tummy with my foot - and my 
wife has the nerve to accuse me of sitting there doing nothing."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

To the car and blow the horn

Four small children scurried around the woman standing inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Her husband asked why she was standing there.
"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the kids into their coats and 
I'll go outside to the car and blow the horn."

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Clergyman on the golf course

A clergyman was on the golf course when he heard a stream of profanity from deep in a sand trap. "I have often noticed," chided the minister, "that the best golfers are not addicted to 
the use of foul language."
"Of course not," screamed the man in the bunker. "What the hell do they have to swear 

Monday, January 7, 2013

Ship captain and his engineer

Following an argument about who was most important to the ship, a captain and his chief 
engineer decided to swap places to find out. After a few hours, the captain emerged from the engine room covered in oil and confronted the engineer on the bridge.
"Chief," he yelled, wildly waving a spanner, "you'll have to go down below. I can't make 
her go."
"Of course you can't," replied the engineer. "She's aground."

Friday, January 4, 2013

Corrupt Man

A corrupt man offered a politician a new car in return for a favour. "You know I can't accept that," the politician protested. "It's bribery."
The man pointed out that he could sell the car to the politician for $20.
"In that case," said the politician, "I'll take two."