Friday, May 29, 2009

Crashing Cans

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Next Life

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on
your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby
until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm. I
rest my case.

Embarassing TV Commercials

Sometimes I can manage to avoid menstruation, genital herpes and erectile dysfunction commercials for days at a time. Somehow, though, the television network marketing executives have esoteric knowledge of when I'm visiting my parents and watching TV with my mother. She suddenly screams, "Have they no shame? I've developed and/or adopted some techniques for dealing with these embarrassing moments.

Technique #1: Talk Over the Commercial. To execute this technique effectively, you have to divert the topic away from the commercial immediately. Always be prepared with a diversion topic. Have a question ready that your mother won't have to pause and think about before answering. This is an effective technique, but it is difficult to execute. So be prepared.

Technique #2: Bathroom/Kitchen Break. As soon as the commercial comes on, announce loudly and clearly that you have to go to the bathroom. Jump up and move urgently. Hide in the bathroom until you feel it's safe to come out. Use the kitchen as a contingency plan in case the commercial break is not yet completely finished. It is very important to not return until your program is on again. Otherwise, you, assuming that the commercial break is soon over, could return prematurely and be subject to a surprise attack.

Technique #3 Play dumb and oblivious. This technique can be employed after your mother has already acknowledged the commercial by her scream. It is too late now to break away to the bathroom or kitchen. And it would be too awkward to change topic. So just play dumb – "Oh, is that one of those commercials about erectile dysfunction? I didn't notice…" – until you can find the right time to employ technique #1 or #2.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever sincewe got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market." 

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend. 

The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."


One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and 
said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to 
talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

No respect

"My marriage is on the rocks again. wife just broke up with 
her boyfriend."

"I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once… 
Doctor…every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel 
like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but 
your eyesight is perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor 
told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a 
brown necktie."

"My dentist has bad breath……Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him…If you don't 
mind I'd like a second opinion…he said… Alright…you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly…my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are 
you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate 
myself now."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on 
the back saying…Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent 

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I 
didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough 

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two 
bed sheets."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet 
she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with 
an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly 
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked 
him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . 
that is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No 
days..just nights."

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no 

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and 
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you 
see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate."

"A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there's nobody home. I went 
over… Nobody was home!"

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service

"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my 
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in 
the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me 
find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we'll ever find them.? He 
said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on 
the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On 
your mark…"

"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last 
year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I 
answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I 
woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle 
fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him 
stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to 
my father…I'm very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled 

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster 
and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

Resignation Letters

Below are a few resignation letters written by staff to their managers
good read!!

An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could
not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder
in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a
shame. Our group has worked well but, as yet, has been criminally

Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.


Dear Unpersonable Bitch

As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job,
hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company
I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment
here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy

It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a
garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.
However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this
piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day
you too will realize that you couldn't manage your way out of a paper bag.

Glad to be gone,


Dear Editor,

I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your
increasingly leaky vessel.


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Dear John:

Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation
from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal
respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer
comfortable working for a technology organization largely populated by
politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial
Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any
longer than the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who
clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal
themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then
I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the
American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology
policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans
may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain
here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.

God's speed, and may the Force be with you.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Women are definitely hard to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:
"All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
"All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 
"All the men here are tall and handsome." 
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The Son

A boy comes home from school and says to his mom, I lost my virginity today".
His mom replies angrily, "You tell your father about what you've done, when he gets home!" His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, "Good job son! How was it?
Then the son says, "It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I Love Her, But...

A collection of men's thoughts on their women.

..... She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies...!!!! And all I can see is her butt.
Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She
steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my
boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

..... She makes lists.
Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list,
it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house,
or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
Jim, Minneapolis

She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the
hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
Terence, Gary, Ind.

..... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

..... She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... And, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning ..."
Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her
boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
Neil, Orlando, Fla.

..... She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

..... Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

Sad Man

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Ring Of Fire

Two guys are in court before a judge for smoking weed.
“You seem like nice young men,” he says. “and I’d like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs.”
The men show up in court on Monday.”How did you do?” the judge asks the first man.
“I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.”
“That’s incredible. What did you say?”
“I drew two circles like this ‘O’ and ‘o’, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge, before looking over the second defendant . “And you, how did you do?”
“Well your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“That’s amazing ! How did you manage to do that?”
“well I used similar approach. I also drew two circles like this : ‘o’ and ‘O’ and pointing to the small circle, I said, ‘This is you’re a****e before prison…and this will be your a*****e after!””

Car Wars

Taxi Driver : “ You know what I love about this job? I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do”.
Passenger : “Uh-huh….turn left.”


Friday, May 22, 2009

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Husband's Great Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

NY Times Ad

Ad seen in the New York Times...

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Emergency doctor visit

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Psychiatric Hotline

Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Curing a Cough

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

The Sons

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them
was detained by a phone call. The other three were
discussing their children while walking to the first
tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a
name for himself in the home building industry. He
began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the
last year he was able to give a good friend a brand
new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son
began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a
multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact,
in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new
cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up
through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so
successful that in the last few weeks has given a good
friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three
smugly tell him that they have been discussing how
successful their progeny are, and ask what line of
work his son is in."To tell the truth, I'm not very
pleased how my son has turned out," he replies "For
fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just
discovered he's ****." As the other three recoil in
horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must
be good at what he does, because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new
cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Man and wife

An elderly man told his wife, Honey we have done everything in our life except ride in an airplane. Lets do it, she said ok. They went to the airport and after much bargaining with the owner of an open top plane, the pilot/owner said, I’ll take you and your wife for a ride. If neither one of you yell or scream during the ride; it's free, otherwise it’s $50.00 each. The old man asked his wife, honeys are you sure you can ride in the plane without yelling or screaming. She said I'm sure I can Joe. So they agreed to take the ride. The pilot got them up in the air and tried to get them to scream or yell, he was flying upside down and doing cartwheels up in the air. When he landed he looked back at the old man and said, wow I can't believe it neither one of you screamed or yelled. The old man said, it was hard not to scream but I almost did when my wife fell out of the plane.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Jill's Legs

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walks in. The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said "Jill." "Well Jill, you have nice legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs." A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied: "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red!

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...
"Have your tomatoes turned red?"

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

Friday, May 15, 2009

Year 2000 Suggested State Mottos

(An Opportunity for States to Start Over with the Truth)

Yes, We Have Electricity

11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

But It's a Dry Heat

Litterasy Ain't Everthing

By 2030 Our Women Will Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Ask Us About Our Grandkids

We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

We Do Amazing Things With Corn

First Of The Rectangle States

Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Ask About Our State Motto Contest

**** and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain
Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

At Least We're Not Michigan

Like The Play, Only No Singing

Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

The Educashun State

Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus


Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Come Cut The Cheese

Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep
Are Scared

Secret Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a
code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without
letting their children in on it. They decided on the word

One day the husband told his five year old
daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now
because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy
had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell
daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mother's Day

Head Tatoo

Same Thoughts

Wrong Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”

Try again

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”

“If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him:

“Then you try again…!”

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker .
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Alligator versus pearl

Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian's necklace.

"What are those things?" she asked.

Alligator teeth ma'am," replied the Indian.

"Oh I see. I suppose they have the same value for your people that
pearls have for us."

"Not quite," he answered gravely. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Comedy Bumper Stickers


Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
And Lastly:


Monday, May 11, 2009

Something About Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Idiots go to Heaven

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were
out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone
knows it, the three men found themselves standing before
the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the
Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven
is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit
the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can
ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer,
then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a
snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to
the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of
his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let
out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked,
"Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a** hole." and the
idiot went to Heaven.

One Sunday morning

A mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready
for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said.
"(1), they don't like me, and
(2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
"(1) You're 59 years old, and
(2) You're the pastor!"

Friday, May 8, 2009

Boot Camp Inspection

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The serge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells. "No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear. "Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!" "Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?" "No, Sir!" "Why not?
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

The wife

Every time this couple made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years and a couple of kids the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

A Little Old Lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?
Woman: I am 86 years old.
D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know him?
Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A.: What happened after he sat down?
Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
D.A.: Did you stop him then?
Woman: No, I did not stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
D.A.: Did he take you?
Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
...And that's when I shot the little bastard.

A little something to laugh at...

1st Scenario...

Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their
little son.
Daddy : " Oh!!! You Bitch! "
Mommy: " What?? You *******! "
Son : " Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and *******?" At this moment,
Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : " It means Ladies and Gentlemen, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

2nd Scenario...

Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex, and there they
mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was reading the
Son : " Mommy, what's breasts and penises? " At this moment, Mommy
turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means coats and hats, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

3rd Scenario...

Daddy was shaving his beard and Son passed by the toilet. Suddenly,
Daddy cut himself and screamed...
Daddy: " OH SHIT!! "
Son : " Daddy, what's shit? " At this moment, Daddy's eyes bulged,
and quickly thought of something to say.
Daddy: " It means shaving cream, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

4th Scenario...

Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey into the
stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...

Mommy: " Oh ****! "
Son : " Mommy, what's ****? " At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means stuffing, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

5th scenario...

It's Christmas eve! Little Son exuberantly opened the door to let
all his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly, he said...

Son : " Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts
and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are busy at the
moment. You see, Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and
Mommy is **** the turkey in the kitchen, but don't worry, they'll be
out here in a minute!

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."


The insurance agent shook his head and said,

"I'm sorry, Madam, we can't accept your claim for your husband's death
because he had no policy on his life, but carried insurance only against

"I know", cried the widow, "that's why I poured kerosene over him."

Three ways of communication...

three fastest ways of communication in the world

a .. tele-phone
a .. tele-vision
a .. tell-a-woman

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Kids these days ..

Teacher: Ted, if your father
has $10
and you ask him for $6, how much would
your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your
results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report
book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going
Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you

Father: Why did you fail your
Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.

If she can't make up her mind, how do
I know the right answer?

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older then me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I
was born

Teacher: Simon, your composition
on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it
impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me, Sir.

Teacher: How come you do not comb your
Ah Kow: No comb, Sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Ah Kow: No hair, Sir.

A boy came home from school with his
exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
" They are all below 'C' (sea) level!"

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..

Because alcohol kills germs.


I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

The seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What can u say?

Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Scout Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well," answered Davey, " the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration. "

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Marriage Quotes

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
- Samuel Johnson

Octopus Instruments

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to take her up to my boudoir it as soon as I get her pajamas off!"

Psych Quiz

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"