If you love somebody

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as
expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN' S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously. ..
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Stupid people stories

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

State of Arkansas Residency Application

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

This dog has wrinkles

Knowing the facts

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance

Be afraid if you annoy this husband

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

Staged wedding to bust dealers

As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

How Army policy began

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...

My daughter is your reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

A way to save your marriage

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

One Lines - Busines

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Two in One - Save Water

Why do girls have 2 hands?

Video Camera & toilet room

1)Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don’t have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape - with everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !!

Top 20 funny quotes

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[7] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Students of new age

Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.

What about you?

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

A complex love story

Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain.
But villain loves hero’s sister,and hero’s sister loves heroine’s brother .
Here, heroine’s brother loves villain’s sister .
But villain’s sister loves hero’s brother.

Again!, hero’s brother is also interested in heroine , and you already know that heroine loves villain.

Finally two people commit suicide.
Who’re they? ……….. Producer and the Director!!

Funny Classified Ads Collection

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 .

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 .
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700 .

VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS .

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15 .

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

Funny Classified Ads Collection

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN — FROST FREE!

FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE ’50s: INCLUDING “16 TONS” BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG…LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE… BETTER BE A REWARD.

Help Line

Making a List Checking it Twice

A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,”Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis.”
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, “Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that! We should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”.

Tomb of a true Computer Geek

Priestly Duties

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?”
”No, I guess not,” says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ” Why did you let him do that?”
To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”

Why fishing

When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good.
If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.
Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish. You don’t have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don’t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

She’s New to Football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Funny Shadow

Sunday Sermon

Last Sunday, the sermon was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with…

“Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids???”

I guess it was somewhat comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who gave the wrong answer…

Lawyer Dies

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now fuck off”

Night at the barn

A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.” With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I just can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong?” the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, “I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

General Knowledge

1. What is the expansion ( Full Form ) of YAHOO..?
Yet Another Hierarchy of Officious Oracle


2. What is the expansion ( Full Form ) of ADIDAS?
ADIDAS- All Day I Dream About Sports


3. Expansion of Star as in Star TV Network?
Satellite Television Asian Region


4. What is expansion of "ICICI?"
Industrial credit and Investments Corporation of India


5. The 1984-85 season. 2nd ODI between India and Pakistan at Sialkot - India 210/3 with Vengsarkar 94*. Match abandoned. Why?
That match was abandoned after people heard the news of Indira Gandhi being killed.


6. Who is the only man to have written the National Anthems for two different countries?
Rabindranath Tagore who wrote national anthem for two different countries one is our 's National

anthem and another one is for Bangladesh- (Amar Sonar* *Bangla )


7. From what four word expression does the word `goodbye` derive?
Goodbye comes from the ex-pression: 'god be with you'.


8. How was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu is none other Mother Teresa


9. Name the only other country to have got independence on Aug 15th?
South Korea


10. Why was James Bond Associated with the Number 007?
Because 007 is the ISD code for Russia (or the USSR , as it was known during the cold war)


11. Who faced the first ball in the first ever One day match?
Geoffrey Boycott


12. Which cricketer played for South Africa before it was banned from international cricket and later represented Zimbabwe ?
John Traicos


13. Which is the only country that is surrounded from all sides by only one country (other than Vatican )?
Lesotho surrounded from all sides by South Africa ..


14. Which is the only sport which is not allowed to play left handed?
.. Polo.

Difference between A car launch and A truck launch

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Why honey is golden in color

Why is HONEY golden in color?

A) Because of the Sun Rays the flowers receive?

B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?

C) Because it's manufactured that way?

D) I don't know?

The answer may be found below........

Funny Car Names

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man’s Companion

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

A good wife can bring balance to your life

Blind Dinner

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I�m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can�t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I�ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man�s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that�s what I�ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner�s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I�m the blind man.” “I�m sorry, I didn�t recognize you. I�ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I�ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he�s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see�s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn�t know that Mary worked here?”

Gambling

It was little Johnny’s first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
“Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.”
The father asked her what had happened.
“The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.”
“Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.”

Pink Doggie

Life is random even for a doggie!

Going to Jesus

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!

Use it or Lose it

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried.
“How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”
“No,” croaks the old man “… But its starting to twitch.”

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If your're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once your're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.

The Zebra Who Lived In The Zoo

There was a zebra who'd lived in the zoo all of her life and was starting to get old so the zoo keeper decided she could spend her final years resting on a farm. The Zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float and saw lots of hills, green grass, trees and strangle animals. She saw a big fat brown thing and ran up to it in excitement.


"Hi I'm a Zebra, what are you?" said the Zebra to the cow.

"I'm a cow."

"And what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer," said the cow.

"Cool!"



The Zebra then saw a funny looking white thing and ran upto it saying "Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh right, what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer," replied the chicken.

"Greeat, see you around!" said the Zebra.



Then the Zebra saw a lovely looking animal just like her, but without the stripes, and so she ran over to her.



"Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a Stallion." he replied.

"Wow!" said the Zebra, "and what do you do?"

"Take off your pyjamas darling, and i'll show you!" replied the Stallion.

Prince and the frog

A prince with a 25inch penis went to a lake because he was sad. No woman wanted to have sex with him. So a frog jumped out and asked the man what was wrong. The prince told the frog his situation and the frog said that he was magic and could get it down to where he wanted it. The frog was going to ask the prince a question and everytime the prince said no, his penis would go down 5inches. So the frog asked him,"Will you kiss me?" The prince said no and it went down to 20in. The frog asked the same question again and the prince said no, then it went down to 15in. The prince just needed to say it one more time to get it to the size he wanted. So the frog asked the prince once more,"Will you kiss me?" The prince got so aggravated he answered,"NO,NO,NO!"

Coffee in breast

Would you want a wife like this. And exactly how your coffee to be served?...lol

Passwords

Weird Day

Wrongly Placed Ads

Impress People-Technical Vocabulary

Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa? Use Techno vocabulary. It can be called the “Buzzword” writing method. It is simple.

There are three columns of words involved, as follows:


Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords from the above grid, e.g., 257: “integrated modular capability“.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense to you; it won’t mean anything to anyone else either, but they’ll think you’re just smarter than they are so they won’t say anything!!!

You can propose “systemized reciprocal options” (929) to achieve “optimal transitional flexibility” (568), so that we can think of an “integrated monitored projection”, and then your boss will probably promote you or your customer will be blown away with your technological superiority…!!

M.P.

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Wrong Timing

2 Spiders

A father gazes at his young innocent daughter as she runs around in the colorful garden, discovering whatever brilliant creations nature has instore for her...As she runs on the grass she stopes and stares at the ground with a confussed look on her face!
The father rushes towards her to dicover what work of nature grabbed his daughters attention...As he reached to her he noticed she was staring at 2 spiders mating..."What is this spider on the top called?"- The young girl asked so calmly...the father smiled with joy of such an inoccent question from such an inoccent young girl...."Well...that' s DADDY LONG LEGS,". The girl interupted and said: "So the one at the bottom is MOMMY LONG LEGS right?"...The father smiled with joy..."No" he answered, gazing at his precious daughter, "Both are DADDY LONG LEGS!"...
The girl suddenly painted a look of confussion on her face...thought for a bit, then raised her foot and stomped the 2 spiders flat and screamed :"WELL THERE WON'T BE ANY FAG SHIT IN OUR GARDEN!"

Man and Sheep

A guy walks up to his wife, he's got a sheep under his arm. He's kinda mad, he says, "You see this? This is the pig I have to screw when you have a headache!" His wife is confused, speechless, all she says is, "That's a sheep!" The guy says, "I wasn't talking to you."

Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy some arsenic, please."

"Arsenic?! What in the world for?"

"I want to poison my husband," she replies. 

"Lady, you can't just walk in here and ask for arsenic to kill your husband!"

"Well, I recently caught him cheating on me." And she proceeded to take a large picture from her purse showing her husband in the throws of passion with the pharmacist's wife.

He exclaims, "Well, now, you didn't say you had a prescription!"

Italian Joke

A single father of 3 had no time off from work for almost a year and finally got a day off. He thinks to himself that he needs to know his sons better. So he scheduled a sit down with each of them at different times. 

He calls his eldest son, Joey in and asks "Son, whata you like to do fora fun?"

"Papa, I like to lifta weights"

"thatsa great! You keepa lifting the weightsa and you will bea bigger than Lou Ferregino"

He calls in his next oldest, Mikey and asks, "Whata kina hobbie youa have?"

"Papa, I likea to racea cars"

"Thatsa Great!! You keepa driving thema cars you willa be as famous asa Mario Andretti!"

He calls in his youngest son, Tony and asks, Sona, whata you like to eata?"

"Papa, I likea to eat a pussy!"

Stunned the father yells, "what? pussya tasta likea shit!"

Tony replies, "Oh but Papa, you takea to biga bite"

New Era - Hair Cut

what is the best punishment for a woman?

what is the best punishment for a woman?

give her new clothes

matching her jewelry

and nice cosmetics and then

lock her in a room without a mirror

George Bush in a School

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And

Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

Man banned from getting drunk for seven years

A man has been banned from getting drunk anywhere in England and Wales for the next seven years after a string of drunk and disorderly offences.
David Peers, who is unemployed, was also ordered not to act abusively, enter public houses or carry open bottles of alcohol until 2016.The ban – conditions of which form an ASBO served on 45-year-old Peers – will bring relief to the residents of Redhill, Surrey, who have been plagued with his anti-social behaviour, according to police.

Pc Doug Stott, of Surrey Police, said: "David Peers has a history of drinking and disorderly behaviour."Despite extensive intervention by Surrey Police and our partner agencies, Peers' has not shown a positive change in his behaviour and has continued to verbally abuse and be aggressive towards local businesses and residents.

"So far this year Peers has been arrested and charged 11 times, mainly for public order offences."On one occasion he was seen urinating on shop windows something which is utterly despicable and totally unacceptable.

"David Peers brought misery to the lives of local people with his relentless anti-social behaviour and I would encourage members of the public to work with us and let us know if individuals are in breach of their ASBO conditions."

Justices at South East Surrey Magistrates' Court banned Peers from being drunk in public places anywhere in England and Wales and he was also told not to enter any pubs or social clubs in Reigate, Redhill or Merstham.

Women!

# Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

# Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

# Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

# Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

# Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

# Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

# Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

# Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

# Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

# Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

The guy and his monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Exit Sign

Airline Pilot wrote in their log book

Pilot, "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement"
Maintenance crew replied in the log book, "Almost replaced left inside main tire"


Pilot, "Noise under console sounds like a midget hitting something with a hammer."
maintenence crew replied in the logbook, "took hammer away from midget"

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

A piece of ass

A kindergarten class was having a taste test.
The teacher blindfolded a boy and put a Hershey kiss in his mouth.
"I'll give you a hint," she said. "It's something that your daddy asks from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Then all of a sudden, a little girl from the back of the room shouts, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

Jack

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Which is more addictive

WHICH IS MORE ADDICTIVE?
DRUGS or
sex?



98 OUT of 100
women
respondents
replied

tis depends upon the PUSHER..

Voodoo P***s

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. 

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. 

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing." 

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" 

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. 

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" 

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." 

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. 

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. 

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. 

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. 

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" 

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!


Poor officer! My God!

Hey Grandma

The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon. 

A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out Popsicles. The little old lady liked Popsicles so she got in line too. 

When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."

Watermelon Art

Kid Yoga

Mat

Bilogy Teacher

I heard this joke from my biology teacher.
What do math teachers do when they're constipated? They work it out with a pencil!

'fascinate'

There were these 3 students who were never late for school, but today they were. So the 1st student(a boy)comes in,the teacher says,"Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill""Okay sit down."

Then the 2nd boy comes in."Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill.""Okay sit down."

Then the 3rd student which was a girl comes in.The teacher says,"Let me guess you was on Blueberry Hill?""No,I AM Blueberry Hill!"

And.

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

FBI Agent and Pizza

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way.

DVD Chair

Sorry

Watermelon

Husband Wanted

There once was a lady who was tired of living
with men who were either physically abusive, who
ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:

1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her,
3) would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from
any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in
bed?"

And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How
do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.



When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ’s because he’s overworked.

I Don't have email id

A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and qualified for the post of the “Office Boy”. Then Microsoft Office people told him “Give us your email ID, we will send you “Appointment Letter”.

The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told “How funny, now-a-days is there any man without email ID?” Sorry we can not give appointment to a back dated man.”

The poor guy with sorrow came out from the Microsoft Office and he had only 5 dollars with him, he saw one people is selling Tomatos. He bought Tomatos by 5 Dollar and sell them by walking door to door. He got 7 dollars. Then next day he again bought Tomatos by 7 dollars and sold them 10 Dollars.

Such a way he became millioniare and now he has now Orchard of Tomatos and big pick-up vans, storage etc. Now the man became one of the rich man of the country. Many Journalist came to interview him.

When they are filing up his biography, one journalist ask “Sir,may I get your Email ID.”

The man replied “I have no Email ID. As I have my email ID, I would be an“OFFICE BOY” of Microsoft office and you never ask my email ID !!