Thursday, April 30, 2009

Unlucky Young Man

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Modern Office?


Oh my!

Rude Baby


hahaha

Doggie Kiss


Yucks!

Internet Addict

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Transplants

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."

"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. "

"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. "

New Rules For 2009...and beyond

1. There's no such thing as flavored water. Sorry, but flavored
water is a soft drink. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, but without that watery taste. You want flavored water? Pour
some vodka over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.

2. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.

4. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

5. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

6. This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he works there, or just some freak with a
fetish.. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
hands.

7. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you wouldn¢t get pulled over. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.

8. If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"

9. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

10. I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating an Almond
Joy.

11. I don't need mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two..

12. Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

13. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 35 years. It's because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

14. Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mother Advice

Every night before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs." Much to her mother's dismay however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that a girl's best friends are her legs?" "You did mama, but there comes a time when even best friends must part.

On Vision Problems

A woman having vision problems went to see an eye doctor. She said "Doctor I'm having trouble with my vision can you help me?" The doctor said "have a seat and I will give you an eye test" The woman sat down and faced the wall in front of an eye chart. The doctor pointed to the last line and said "can you read this". The woman said, "Oh no doctor I can't see that." The doctor then pointed to another line and the woman again said "oh no doctor I can't see that." The doctor became frustrated and decided to move the woman closer to the eye chart. He pointed to the top line on the chart and asked the woman can you see that now?" The woman said "Doctor I still can't see that!" Then the doctor unzipped his fly, pulled out his cock and said to the woman can you see that?" The woman exclaimed, "Oh doctor I can see that perfectly!" The doctor said to the woman, "Oh that's your trouble, you're cock-eyed!"

The Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that,
from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

I couldn't even get on the f**king bed."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Asian Man in NY

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

The Zebra

There was a zebra that had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra!” What are you? “I’m a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little
white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see you around." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. “Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Friday, April 24, 2009

Sex Code

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The sailors

Two old sailors were talking after being out at sea for 3 months. One said, "When I get to shore I am going to have a super sauna, hot shower and then find a loose woman". The other said, "Well, good luck to you mate." Later on shore, this old sailor found his loose woman and takes her to his hotel room. Then does what an old sailor would do in those circumstances. After while he says to her, "Well, how am I doing?". She replied, "About 3 knots." "What do mean by that?” the old sailor replied.
She said, " 1. You're not hard, 2. You're not in and 3, You’re not getting your money back."

Roulette

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?"

The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How did i appear in this world?

Son: How did I come to the world?
Father (is surfing): I'll explain it to you later.
Son: Why don't you tell me right now?
Father (is thinking of a sorrow and sighing): All right! You listen to me very carefully...

"When your mom and your pa visited Internet together in the bedroom, your pa connected with your mom. Your pa uploaded some data from his "memory stick" to your mom. After your mom downloaded all stuff, she screamed that she had not installed any "Anti Virus". And your pa had not installed any "Firewall" either. Both of us tried to delete the file and format the "hard disk" but found it's too late."

"Then, you appeared in the world after nine months."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Funny Animals







Monday, April 20, 2009

Funny Pics














New Guidelines - Press Conference

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sex and Nose picking

Son asks: Dad, why does making love feel so good?
Dad said: Its just like picking your nose. Of course it feels good.
Son asks: Then why don't men feel as good as girls?
Dad said: Because when you pick your nose, its your nose that feel good, not your finger.
Son asks: Then why do women feel bad when they are being raped?
Dad said: If one day, when you're walking in the street, someone suddenly came over and picked your nose, will you feel good?
Son asks: Why do the girls not want to make love when they have their period?
Dad said: If your nose is bleeding, will you still pick it?
Finally, son asks: Then why don't guys want to use condoms?
Dad replies: Will you wear a glove to pick your nose?

My goodness! what a father.

Breast Awareness

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry." This infurated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man`s twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sum Wan, Sori, Sum Buddy & Noe Buddy

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori : Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No! I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori : You are now talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!

Mr. Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr. Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?

Mr. Sori : I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr. Sori : I'm Sori!!

Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice Mr. and I don't care, give me your name!

Mr. Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Itchy Hands Lead to ATR

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.

The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

“Sir”, she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Mens restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing, he knew he was in a hospital.

As he opened his eyes, a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

“What happened?” he exclaimed.

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse.

“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your balls are in the bucket under the bed.”

The Old Poodle and Young Leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikesna deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story….
Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Secret Girls have to know about guys

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls
2. Guys hate flirts
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the same way he is
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guys asks on the phone just to get out from stammering
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics
8. Guys go crazy over a girls smile
9. Guys will do anything just t get the girl's attention
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend
11. When guys want to meet you parents. Let them.
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!
13. Guys cry!!!
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back
18. Giving a guy a hanging mesage like "You know what?!..uh..nevermind!" would make him jump to conclusion that is far from what you are thinking
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands
20. Guys are good flaterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they like
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you are asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can 't lay down the card for you
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow"
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly
24. Guys hate ****!
25. Guys love their moms
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses
27. A guy often thins about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her
28. You can never understand him unless you listen to him
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
31. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses
32. Guys are very open about themselves
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty
37. Your bestfriend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen. You don't need to give advice
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
40. A guy finds way to keep you off from linking with someone else
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.
43. Guys virtually brag about anything
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them
45. Guys think too much
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does.
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possesive. So watch out girls!!
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during their courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting invloved with that guy
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurtm he won't be matured and grow up
53. When an unlikeable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed **** with their girlfriends
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about a girl. He really is.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying "Please come and listen"
59. Guys don't really have final decisions
60. When a guy really loves you, bring out the best in him
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.
64. Guys like feminity not feebleness
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and besketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your nakes eyes
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised
74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are...especially when the topic is about girls
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite
79. Guys don't care about care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them, they'll realize they're wrong.
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.
83. Guys weakest point is at the knee
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him
88. If a guy let's you, he really loves you
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does
90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and takes their basis of experience
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date,ask him first why
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even for just one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl.
94. You can truly say that the guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl
96. Girls are allowed to touch boy's things. Not their hair!
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you
98. Guys hate girls who overreact
99. Guys love you more than you love them if they're serious in your relationship

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The problems with GUYS

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Am I Really That Old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you're gonna love this one...

A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist when she noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and she suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in her high school class some 40-odd years before and she wondered, "Could he be the same guy she had a secret crush on way back then?" When she got into the treatment room she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been her secret crush... or was he? After he examined her teeth she asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" she asked. "1959. Why do you ask?" he answered. "Well, you were in my class!" she exclaimed. To which the ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "So, what did you teach?"

Monday, April 6, 2009

Who is the real father of that kid?

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the Father a heart attack.

The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.

Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized.
"I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

Why do men snore






Thursday, April 2, 2009

Two old men on a park bench

Two old men were sitting on a park bench visiting. Their wives were
sitting on the adjacent bench.

The first old man said, "I sure am having trouble with my memory these
days. Seems like I can't remember anything anymore."

2nd man: "I used to have that problem until I started taking those
little green pills."

1st man: "Little green pills. What are they?"

2nd man: "I can't think of the name. Let me see. I need the name of
a sweet smelling flower that comes from a thorny bush."

1st man: "Rose?"

2nd man: "Yes, Rose, that's it." (calling to his wife): "Rose, what is
the name of those little green pills?"

A kick to the face

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tattooed Privates

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo"."A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?""I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly."What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Sex Advice

Sex is like a card game - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!