Wednesday, April 15, 2015

50 Funny Jokes

1 "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" the doctor shouted. Puzzled, a new nurse asked the sister, "Why is he yelling like that?"
The sister explained, "He likes to call the shots around here."

2 Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing nomad for water. "Sorry," said the tribesman. "I have no water, but I do have a selection of lovely ties for sale."
"You must be crazy," the tourist replied. Close to death from thirst, he saw another nomad. "Water!" he gasped. "Give me some water."
"I have no water," came the reply, "only these handsome ties that I'd be glad to sell you."
The tourist stumbled on until, to his astonishment, he saw a magnificent hotel far in the distance. Crawling at last into the lobby, he croaked, "Please give me water."
"I'm sorry, sir," the doorman said. "We don't let anyone in without a tie."

3 Judge to accused: "Have you anything to offer before I pass sentence on you?"
Accused: "No, Your Honour. My lawyer took my last dollar."

4 With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Yes, Captain, I pray a lot."
"Good," said the captain. "You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets. We're one short."

5 Two cockroaches were munching on rubbish. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors gleam. It's the most sanitary place I've ever seen."
"Please," frowned the other cockroach. "Not while I'm eating!"

6 Late one night, after an evening of heavy drinking, Smitty took a short cut through a cemetery and fell into a newly dug grave. He couldn't get out, so he lay at the bottom and fell asleep.
Early next morning, the gravedigger heard moans and groans. He investigated, saw the shivering figure in the grave and demanded, "What's wrong with you, making all that noise?"
"I'm so cold," Smitty shivered.
"Well it's no wonder," said the gravedigger. "You've kicked all the dirt off yourself."

7 Pierre and François were having lunch together. Pierre was very sad and declared, "My love life is finished."
"There are remedies," François told him. "Try oysters. Some people say they are miraculous restorers of virility."
"I am desperate," said Pierre. "I have a date tonight and will do as you suggest. Garçon, bring me a dozen oysters." He downed them, ordered another dozen, then a dozen more.
"You shouldn't overdo it," François cautioned. "Oysters are very powerful. Let's go now. Call me tomorrow and tell me how you went."
The next day, the phone rang. "Oysters, bah!" said Pierre. "They are overrated. I ate three dozen, did I not? Well, only nine worked!"

8 A man went into a pub, asked for a scotch, drank it and got up to leave. The barman yelled, "Hey, where's my money?"
"I paid you," the man insisted and walked out. Then another man came in, drank a scotch and did the same thing. When a third man entered and ordered a scotch, the barman told him, "Two men just came in and asked for scotch just like you, then left, saying they'd paid. What do you think about that?"
"Stop babbling," muttered the third man, "and give me my change."

9 Babysitter to parents: "By the way, I promised Amy that if she went to bed without any fuss you'd buy her a horse in the morning."

10 A sales manager complained to a colleague about one of his salesmen. "George is so forgetful it's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to get me a sandwich while he's out for lunch, but I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open and in came George. "You'll never guess what happened," he exclaimed. "At lunch, I met the head of one of the biggest firms in the country. We got talking and he gave me an order worth $15 million!"
"See," said the sales manager. "I told you he'd forget the sandwich."

11 Psychiatrist's receptionist: "There's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible."
Psychiatrist: "I can't see him now."

12 "Doctor, you've got to help me," came the frantic call to the psychiatrist. "The man next door thinks he's in an opera. He sings day and night at the top of his voice. It's driving me crazy."
"Send him to me," advised the shrink. A week later, the caller phoned again, sounding much calmer. "Doctor, I don't know how you did it, but he's hardly singing at all now. Did you cure his delusion?"
"Not exactly," the psychiatrist replied. "I just gave him a much smaller part."

13 Two psychiatrists met at their 20th medical-school reunion. While one was vibrant, the other looked withered and worried.
"So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's problems all day long for years has made an old man of me."
Replied the younger looking man, "Who listens?"

14 The novice angler wasn't having any luck, though another man nearby was pulling up fish after fish. "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," mumbled the man.
"I'm sorry but I didn't quite understand you," the novice apologised.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," the fisherman repeated. The neophyte shook his head and began to turn away, but the other man held up his hand, spat twice into his coffee cup and explained, "You've got to keep the worms warm."

15 Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"
Patient: "Yes. I got as far as 24,534 and then it was time to get up."

16 On his first day, a newcomer to prison heard the other inmates roar with laughter each time one of them called out a number. Mystified by this, he asked his cellmate what was happening. "We know all our jokes so well that, to save time retelling them, we've numbered them," he was told.
Thinking he would join in, the newcomer shouted "208." To his amazement, the whole prison shook with laughter. The cellmate wiped tears from his eyes and commented, "We hadn't heard that one before."

17 A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her and says, "Hi, sweetie. Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

18 When a waitress brought the customer the soup du jour, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said. "What's this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

19 The enormous diamond ring a woman wore on a luxury cruise attracted much attention from fellow passengers. "It's the Beaumont diamond," she told her table companions, "and like the notorious Hope diamond, it carries a terrible curse."
"What's the curse?" they asked.
"Mr Beaumont," explained the woman.

20 The doctor's receptionist was startled when a nun stormed out of the surgery and left. She asked the doctor what happened. "Well," said the doctor, "I examined her and told her she was pregnant."
"Doctor!" exclaimed the receptionist. "That can't be!"
"Of course not," he said, "but it certainly cured her hiccups."

21 The man wanted to contact a spirit. "I know just the person," said his friend. "This woman is terrific, except that she's a bit of a complainer."
"Forget it," said the first man. "I insist on a happy medium."

22 "My barber has invented a fantastic machine," a man told his friend. "You stick your head in and it shaves you in a matter of seconds."
"That's impossible," declared the friend. "Everyone's head is shaped differently."
"Sure," said the first man, "but only at first."

23 A new teller at the bank found that a colleague was embezzling enormous sums of money. He went straight to the manager and told him, "Mr Smith is robbing us of thousands of dollars."
"Yes," said the manager. "I know."
"You know?" gasped the teller. "Then why don't you fire him?"
"We can't afford to," sighed the manager. "He's our biggest

24 Two men are led to a wall to face a firing squad. An officer blindfolds them, but one man rips his from his face and hurls it defiantly to the ground.
"Please, Sam," begs his companion, "don't make trouble."

25 How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten - but we'll accept eight.

26 An executive hired a temporary chauffeur when his regular driver went on holidays. He asked the new man for his name and was told, "Charles, sir."
"I always call my driver by his surname," the executive said curtly.
"My name is Charles Darling, sir," the chauffeur replied.
"Very well, Charles," said the executive. "Drive on."

27 Frank believed five was his special number. He was born on May 5, had five children and lived at 555 Fifth Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, he was delighted to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before the race, Frank went to betting window No. 5 and put $500 on Numero Cinco. It finished fifth.

28 The hostess at a party served a guest a cup of punch, warning him it was liberally laced with liquor. Next, she offered some to a religious man, who said, "I would rather commit adultery than drink liquor!"
Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back into the bowl and said, "Sorry, I didn't know we had a choice."

29 A parrot advertised as a "very good burglar alarm" was bought by a family concerned about crime. On its very first night on duty, an intruder tried to break in. The parrot crept off its perch and made its way to the phone to ring the police.
"Police station," said the sergeant. "How can I help you?"
The parrot shook its feathers, stood upright and screeched into the phone, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

30 A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately.
The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we married."
"Oh, darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day."

31 A corrupt man offered a politician a new car in return for a favour. "You know I can't accept that," the politician protested. "It's bribery."
The man pointed out that he could sell the car to the politician for $20.
"In that case," said the politician, "I'll take two."

32 Following an argument about who was most important to the ship, a captain and his chief engineer decided to swap places to find out. After a few hours, the captain emerged from the engine room covered in oil and confronted the engineer on the bridge.
"Chief," he yelled, wildly waving a spanner, "you'll have to go down below. I can't make her go."
"Of course you can't," replied the engineer. "She's aground."

33 A clergyman was on the golf course when he heard a stream of profanity from deep in a sand trap. "I have often noticed," chided the minister, "that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language."
"Of course not," screamed the man in the bunker. "What the hell do they have to swear about?"

34 "I'm sorry," the boss told an employee, "but if I let you take a two-hour lunch today, every worker whose wife gives birth to quadruplets will want one too."

35 "I'm thinking of leaving my husband," declared the economist's wife. "Our sex life is terrible. All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

36 Four small children scurried around the woman standing inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Her husband asked why she was standing there.
"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the kids into their coats and I'll go outside to the car and blow the horn."

37 "There I was, relaxing in my favourite chair last Sunday," one office worker told another, "reading the newspaper, watching one football match on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking a beer, eating a snack and rubbing the dog's tummy with my foot - and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of sitting there doing nothing."

38 "I'm fed up with your jealousy," a wife tells her husband. "Do you think I don't realise you're having me followed by a private detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, though a little shy at first?"

39 Joe had just made his way to the crowded bar when there was a frenzied commotion outside. A man shouted, "Run for your lives! Big Jake's coming!"
As everyone scattered, an enormous man burst through the doors, hurled tables and chairs aside and strode up to the bar. "Give me a drink!" he ordered.
Left alone at the bar, Joe quickly handed over a bottle of whisky.
The huge man downed it in one gulp, then ate the bottle.
Paralysed with fear, Joe stammered, "Can I get you another drink?"
"No, I've got to go," said the giant. "Didn't you hear? Big Jake's coming!"

40 The young couple were shipwrecked on an island where a castaway explained that the only way to attract passing ships was to signal from a high coconut tree on the beach. He climbed the tree and yelled to the couple below, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked after the castaway came down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the castaway. "From up there, it looked like you were." But each morning after that, the castaway scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb up to see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and seated himself there. Meanwhile, his wife and the castaway were embracing passionately. "That's amazing!" the husband mused as he looked down. "It does look like they're making love!"

41 Applying for a job as an industrial spy, six applicants were each given a sealed envelope and told to take them to the fourth floor.
As soon as he was alone, one man opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor immediately."

42 The doctor told Boswell to exercise and advised him to walk to and from work.
Boswell thought that was boring, so the doctor suggested, "Roll a hoop along."
Boswell took the advice, but to avoid stares from his workmates he left the hoop in the car park each morning until one day the parking attendant told him a car had damaged the hoop. "Don't worry," he added. "We'll get you a new one tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" responded the distraught Boswell. "How am I supposed to get home tonight?"

43 The old plumber was telling his apprentice how hard life was when he was learning the trade. "You've got it easy, young man," he said. "In my day, they used to lay two lengths of pipe, then turn the water on, and we'd have to keep ahead of it."

44 An antelope and a lion entered a restaurant and sat together at
a table. "I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes," the antelope told the waiter.
"And what will your friend have?" the waiter asked.
"Nothing," the antelope replied.
"Isn't he hungry?" the waiter persisted.
"If he were hungry," said the antelope, "would I be sitting here?"

45 Lost balloonist: "Ahoy below! Where am I?"
Startled farmer: "You can't fool me. You're up there in that basket."

46 First woman: "Working full time and trying to do the housework gets me down. Today I came home and washed the clothes and the dishes. Tomorrow I have to clean the kitchen floor and the front windows."
Second woman: "What about your husband?"
First woman: "No way! He can wash himself!"

47 With his head on the desk, a lawyer's partner moaned that he had the mother of all hangovers. "Last night I had to entertain a man who can throw a lot of business our way," he groaned.
"Well," said his partner, "I've got a sure-fire way to get rid of a hangover."
"How?" asked the first man.
His partner grinned. "I make passionate love to my wife and in no time the hangover is gone. You ought to try it."
"I'll try anything," said the sufferer, reaching for his coat. "See you later."
He returned mid-morning with a big smile on his face. "I see my remedy worked," his colleague said.
"Like a charm," the rejuvenated lawyer assured him. "And, hey, that's a really nice house you have!"

48 A young man phoned his mother and said, "Hi Mum. How are you?"
"Not so good," she replied weakly. "I haven't eaten anything for 38 days."
The son was shocked. "Thirty-eight days! Why haven't you eaten for so long?"
"I didn't want my mouth to be full of food when you called," said his mother.

49 "My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room," one man said. "It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless."

50 Visiting relatives on their rural property for the first time, a young city man arrived when things were particularly busy.
"We're flat out," said his uncle, "but it's such a beautiful day that you should borrow my shotgun and take the dogs out for a bit of shooting."
When his nephew returned an hour later, the farmer asked him. "How was the shooting?"
"That was fantastic," said the young man. "Got any more dogs?"