Crazy Ideas

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts
to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy
them back for fifty pence.

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black &
Decker "Dustbuster. " The zombies will then wander aim-
lessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods
at a more leisurely pace.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by
aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invar-
iably wake up in a strange place the following morning,
having had your memory mysteriously "erased."

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from
guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple
cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far
less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves
by hiding under the covers.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop
stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten wood-
lice.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart"
in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the
fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the
steaming hot jam inside.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper
and asking them to wrap it.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each
end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any
cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles
of cling film and press them into your eyes.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of
water.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin
bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers.
In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any
punctures you may have.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make
a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus
arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol
whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you
in one or two plastic buckets.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails
and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to
sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen
to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way
you can have sex without waking her up.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because
you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly
with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the
pub.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie
underarm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of
frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together
potatoes.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing
manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary
match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals
the source of the escaping gas.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches
if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready
for use in such emergencies.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions
in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the
wrong way up the road.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable
Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore
British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent,
then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and
there aren't any planes home.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get
your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears
and slide out.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid
Bastards.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each
one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line.
This can then be worn around the neck.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive
alternative to sun-bed treatments.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink
driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by
closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between
teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night
by
simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey
presto! Toffee.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paper-
work by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note
stickers,
one stuck to each temple.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to your intended destination in the first place.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow
you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take
the blame.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of
drain-
pipe and a cricket ball.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will
turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of
time.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the
bath
with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then
turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make
their dramatic and dangerous landings.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral"
style
branding irons.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of
The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around
their
holes.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking
down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw
meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.