6 Important Life Lessons, Knock Some Senses into Your Head

Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.


Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Why can’t you be like that?

Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. 

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”

Nude statues

2 nude statues man n woman are built staring at each other in front of a pretty little garden. One day an angel comes down n turn them into real life humans. 

"Do whatever u want to do! You have 30mins!" said the angel.

Excited, the 2 nude man n woman ran over to the bushes and there were sounds and movements all over the bushes. After 15min, they came out laughing and tired. 

"You 2 still have 15min more to go"reminded the angel.

the male statue turns to the female n say "u wana do it again?" 

"Yes pls. But this time i get to hold the bird`s leg and u poop on its head" answered the woman.

COLD WATER

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?" 

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car". 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

If you can give me a reason

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Student who Obtained 0% on an exam

AND HOW HE DID IT 

Personally, I would have given him 100%


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? 
* his last battle 


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
* at the bottom of the page 


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? 
* liquid 


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? 
* marriage 


Q5. What is the main reason for failure? 
* exams 


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
* Lunch & dinner 


Q7. What looks like half an apple? 
* The other half 


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 
* It will simply become wet 


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? 
* No problem, he sleeps at night. 


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. 


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? 
* Very large hands 


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
* No time at all, the wall is already built. 


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Who listens

Two psychiatrists met at their 20th medical-school reunion. While one was vibrant, the 

other looked withered and worried.
"So what's your secret?" the older looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's 

problems all day long for years has made an old man of me."
Replied the younger looking man, "Who listens?"

The novice angler

The novice angler wasn't having any luck, though another man nearby was pulling up fish 

after fish. "What's your secret?" the newcomer asked.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," mumbled the man.
"I'm sorry but I didn't quite understand you," the novice apologised.
"Mmnnpximdafglymm," the fisherman repeated. The neophyte shook his head and began to turn away, but the other man held up his hand, spat twice into his coffee cup and explained, "You've got to keep the worms warm."

Advice about your insomnia

Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"
Patient: "Yes. I got as far as 24,534 and then it was time to get up."

Newcomer to prison

On his first day, a newcomer to prison heard the other inmates roar with laughter each time one of them called out a number. Mystified by this, he asked his cellmate what was 

happening. "We know all our jokes so well that, to save time retelling them, we've numbered them," he was told.
Thinking he would join in, the newcomer shouted "208." To his amazement, the whole prisonshook with laughter. The cellmate wiped tears from his eyes and commented, "We hadn't 

heard that one before."

The lawyer's partner with hangover

With his head on the desk, a lawyer's partner moaned that he had the mother of 

all hangovers. "Last night I had to entertain a man who can throw a lot of 

business our way," he groaned.
"Well," said his partner, "I've got a sure-fire way to get rid of a hangover."
"How?" asked the first man.
His partner grinned. "I make passionate love to my wife and in no time the 

hangover is gone. You ought to try it."
"I'll try anything," said the sufferer, reaching for his coat. "See you later."
He returned mid-morning with a big smile on his face. "I see my remedy worked," 

his colleague said.
"Like a charm," the rejuvenated lawyer assured him. "And, hey, that's a really 

nice house you have!"

Lost balloonist

Lost balloonist: "Ahoy below! Where am I?"
Startled farmer: "You can't fool me. You're up there in that basket."

Do you think I'll live to be 80

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. 

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm approaching 70). 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 

'No, I don't,' I said. 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 

'No,' I said... 

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'

Door Design

Little forced to Pray

At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family in prayer... 

Little Boy : But I don't know how to pray 

Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc 

Little Boy : "Dear Lord". "Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they wont come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. 

This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry & Provide shelter for the homeless 
men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN " 

Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening......

The devil and the old man

Old Timer Bars

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retirees from Singapore & they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

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