LETHAL PRODUCT

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?, You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

The Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

The best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife ! That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?".
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

MY DOCTOR

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

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He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

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Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.

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While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

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Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

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One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

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I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."

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My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."

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Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

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When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.

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You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner

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Sexy Lingerie

A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra.When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "do you want some of this, big boy?” Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "hell no, look what it did to your panties!"

Chinese Courier Service

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the United States. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows:-

Dear Cousins,
I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong also not felling well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too............

How Boys and Girls Withdraws from ATM

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on.