More Jokes for you

1 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?

2 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

3 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

4 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

5 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

6 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

7 Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

8 Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

9 What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

10 Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"


11 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

12 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

13 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

14 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician

15 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.

16 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

17 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

18 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

19 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

20 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

21 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense

22 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

23 It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to
protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME!

24 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!

25 A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!


26 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"

27 Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

28 The Equation:

7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!

29 Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!

30 A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom

31 Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

32 Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.

33 Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.

34 Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?

35 My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

36 Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.

37 Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.

38 Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

39 Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

40 Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.

41 Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."

42 A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in
particular
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !

43 TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

44 TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

45 TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

46 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

47 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!

48 TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!

49 TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

50 L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

51 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.

52 TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

53 Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy jumps inside and
swims underneath them and counts the number of legs.
There are only 36 legs.HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!

54 L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

55 Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same
at home.

56 Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!