What is the difference

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

Failing Eyesight

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?" Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

Ouch Moments

What's the difference

What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ? 
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S. 

Prospective Employer to Applicant

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'

waterskiing until...

English Fun

Enjoy!

Only the English could have invented this language...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.



If the plural of man is always called men,

Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?



Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.



English muffins weren't invented in England ..

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.



And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop

Egg timer's broken

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!

Outrun

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

Stay off my wall

My wife is actually a little upset with me right now because I wont approve her as a friend on my Facebook. Im like, You got every wall in the house. Can I have one wall without you popping up on and ruining it? Stay off my wall.

Indian Hell

An Indian guy dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks “What do they do here?”

He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

"But it's exactly the same as all the others - why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria ..”

Missed Period

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who is the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house and a very mature and a very distinguished man with gray hair gets out of the car. The man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps up to the door and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a beach villa, and $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 account. If it's twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there's a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who has remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," If there's a
miscarriage, you will have to screw her again."