Wednesday, April 29, 2009

New Rules For 2009...and beyond

1. There's no such thing as flavored water. Sorry, but flavored
water is a soft drink. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, but without that watery taste. You want flavored water? Pour
some vodka over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.

2. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.

4. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

5. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

6. This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip
up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he works there, or just some freak with a
fetish.. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my
hands.

7. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you wouldn¢t get pulled over. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.

8. If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"

9. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done

10. I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating an Almond
Joy.

11. I don't need mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two..

12. Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

13. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 35 years. It's because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

14. Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.