Funny Car Names

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man’s Companion

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive?

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

A good wife can bring balance to your life

Blind Dinner

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I�m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can�t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I�ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man�s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that�s what I�ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner�s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I�m the blind man.” “I�m sorry, I didn�t recognize you. I�ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I�ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he�s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see�s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn�t know that Mary worked here?”

Gambling

It was little Johnny’s first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
“Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.”
The father asked her what had happened.
“The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.”
“Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.”

Pink Doggie

Life is random even for a doggie!

Going to Jesus

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.”
“What?” his father replied.
“When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, Jesus I’m coming.’ If it wasn’t for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!

Use it or Lose it

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried.
“How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”
“No,” croaks the old man “… But its starting to twitch.”

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If your're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once your're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.

The Zebra Who Lived In The Zoo

There was a zebra who'd lived in the zoo all of her life and was starting to get old so the zoo keeper decided she could spend her final years resting on a farm. The Zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float and saw lots of hills, green grass, trees and strangle animals. She saw a big fat brown thing and ran up to it in excitement.


"Hi I'm a Zebra, what are you?" said the Zebra to the cow.

"I'm a cow."

"And what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer," said the cow.

"Cool!"



The Zebra then saw a funny looking white thing and ran upto it saying "Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh right, what do you do?" asked the Zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer," replied the chicken.

"Greeat, see you around!" said the Zebra.



Then the Zebra saw a lovely looking animal just like her, but without the stripes, and so she ran over to her.



"Hi, I'm a Zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a Stallion." he replied.

"Wow!" said the Zebra, "and what do you do?"

"Take off your pyjamas darling, and i'll show you!" replied the Stallion.

Prince and the frog

A prince with a 25inch penis went to a lake because he was sad. No woman wanted to have sex with him. So a frog jumped out and asked the man what was wrong. The prince told the frog his situation and the frog said that he was magic and could get it down to where he wanted it. The frog was going to ask the prince a question and everytime the prince said no, his penis would go down 5inches. So the frog asked him,"Will you kiss me?" The prince said no and it went down to 20in. The frog asked the same question again and the prince said no, then it went down to 15in. The prince just needed to say it one more time to get it to the size he wanted. So the frog asked the prince once more,"Will you kiss me?" The prince got so aggravated he answered,"NO,NO,NO!"

Coffee in breast

Would you want a wife like this. And exactly how your coffee to be served?...lol

Passwords

Weird Day

Wrongly Placed Ads

Impress People-Technical Vocabulary

Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa? Use Techno vocabulary. It can be called the “Buzzword” writing method. It is simple.

There are three columns of words involved, as follows:


Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords from the above grid, e.g., 257: “integrated modular capability“.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense to you; it won’t mean anything to anyone else either, but they’ll think you’re just smarter than they are so they won’t say anything!!!

You can propose “systemized reciprocal options” (929) to achieve “optimal transitional flexibility” (568), so that we can think of an “integrated monitored projection”, and then your boss will probably promote you or your customer will be blown away with your technological superiority…!!

M.P.

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Wrong Timing

2 Spiders

A father gazes at his young innocent daughter as she runs around in the colorful garden, discovering whatever brilliant creations nature has instore for her...As she runs on the grass she stopes and stares at the ground with a confussed look on her face!
The father rushes towards her to dicover what work of nature grabbed his daughters attention...As he reached to her he noticed she was staring at 2 spiders mating..."What is this spider on the top called?"- The young girl asked so calmly...the father smiled with joy of such an inoccent question from such an inoccent young girl...."Well...that' s DADDY LONG LEGS,". The girl interupted and said: "So the one at the bottom is MOMMY LONG LEGS right?"...The father smiled with joy..."No" he answered, gazing at his precious daughter, "Both are DADDY LONG LEGS!"...
The girl suddenly painted a look of confussion on her face...thought for a bit, then raised her foot and stomped the 2 spiders flat and screamed :"WELL THERE WON'T BE ANY FAG SHIT IN OUR GARDEN!"

Man and Sheep

A guy walks up to his wife, he's got a sheep under his arm. He's kinda mad, he says, "You see this? This is the pig I have to screw when you have a headache!" His wife is confused, speechless, all she says is, "That's a sheep!" The guy says, "I wasn't talking to you."

Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy some arsenic, please."

"Arsenic?! What in the world for?"

"I want to poison my husband," she replies. 

"Lady, you can't just walk in here and ask for arsenic to kill your husband!"

"Well, I recently caught him cheating on me." And she proceeded to take a large picture from her purse showing her husband in the throws of passion with the pharmacist's wife.

He exclaims, "Well, now, you didn't say you had a prescription!"

Italian Joke

A single father of 3 had no time off from work for almost a year and finally got a day off. He thinks to himself that he needs to know his sons better. So he scheduled a sit down with each of them at different times. 

He calls his eldest son, Joey in and asks "Son, whata you like to do fora fun?"

"Papa, I like to lifta weights"

"thatsa great! You keepa lifting the weightsa and you will bea bigger than Lou Ferregino"

He calls in his next oldest, Mikey and asks, "Whata kina hobbie youa have?"

"Papa, I likea to racea cars"

"Thatsa Great!! You keepa driving thema cars you willa be as famous asa Mario Andretti!"

He calls in his youngest son, Tony and asks, Sona, whata you like to eata?"

"Papa, I likea to eat a pussy!"

Stunned the father yells, "what? pussya tasta likea shit!"

Tony replies, "Oh but Papa, you takea to biga bite"

New Era - Hair Cut

what is the best punishment for a woman?

what is the best punishment for a woman?

give her new clothes

matching her jewelry

and nice cosmetics and then

lock her in a room without a mirror

George Bush in a School

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And

Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

Man banned from getting drunk for seven years

A man has been banned from getting drunk anywhere in England and Wales for the next seven years after a string of drunk and disorderly offences.
David Peers, who is unemployed, was also ordered not to act abusively, enter public houses or carry open bottles of alcohol until 2016.The ban – conditions of which form an ASBO served on 45-year-old Peers – will bring relief to the residents of Redhill, Surrey, who have been plagued with his anti-social behaviour, according to police.

Pc Doug Stott, of Surrey Police, said: "David Peers has a history of drinking and disorderly behaviour."Despite extensive intervention by Surrey Police and our partner agencies, Peers' has not shown a positive change in his behaviour and has continued to verbally abuse and be aggressive towards local businesses and residents.

"So far this year Peers has been arrested and charged 11 times, mainly for public order offences."On one occasion he was seen urinating on shop windows something which is utterly despicable and totally unacceptable.

"David Peers brought misery to the lives of local people with his relentless anti-social behaviour and I would encourage members of the public to work with us and let us know if individuals are in breach of their ASBO conditions."

Justices at South East Surrey Magistrates' Court banned Peers from being drunk in public places anywhere in England and Wales and he was also told not to enter any pubs or social clubs in Reigate, Redhill or Merstham.

Women!

# Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

# Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

# Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

# Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

# Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

# Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

# Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

# Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

# Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

# Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

# Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

# Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

The guy and his monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Exit Sign

Airline Pilot wrote in their log book

Pilot, "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement"
Maintenance crew replied in the log book, "Almost replaced left inside main tire"


Pilot, "Noise under console sounds like a midget hitting something with a hammer."
maintenence crew replied in the logbook, "took hammer away from midget"

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

A piece of ass

A kindergarten class was having a taste test.
The teacher blindfolded a boy and put a Hershey kiss in his mouth.
"I'll give you a hint," she said. "It's something that your daddy asks from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Then all of a sudden, a little girl from the back of the room shouts, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

Jack

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Which is more addictive

WHICH IS MORE ADDICTIVE?
DRUGS or
sex?



98 OUT of 100
women
respondents
replied

tis depends upon the PUSHER..

Voodoo P***s

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. 

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. 

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing." 

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" 

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. 

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" 

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." 

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. 

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. 

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. 

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. 

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" 

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!


Poor officer! My God!

Hey Grandma

The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon. 

A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out Popsicles. The little old lady liked Popsicles so she got in line too. 

When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."

Watermelon Art

Kid Yoga

Mat

Bilogy Teacher

I heard this joke from my biology teacher.
What do math teachers do when they're constipated? They work it out with a pencil!

'fascinate'

There were these 3 students who were never late for school, but today they were. So the 1st student(a boy)comes in,the teacher says,"Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill""Okay sit down."

Then the 2nd boy comes in."Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill.""Okay sit down."

Then the 3rd student which was a girl comes in.The teacher says,"Let me guess you was on Blueberry Hill?""No,I AM Blueberry Hill!"

And.

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

FBI Agent and Pizza

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way.

DVD Chair

Sorry

Watermelon

Husband Wanted

There once was a lady who was tired of living
with men who were either physically abusive, who
ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:

1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her,
3) would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from
any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in
bed?"

And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How
do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.



When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ’s because he’s overworked.

I Don't have email id

A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and qualified for the post of the “Office Boy”. Then Microsoft Office people told him “Give us your email ID, we will send you “Appointment Letter”.

The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told “How funny, now-a-days is there any man without email ID?” Sorry we can not give appointment to a back dated man.”

The poor guy with sorrow came out from the Microsoft Office and he had only 5 dollars with him, he saw one people is selling Tomatos. He bought Tomatos by 5 Dollar and sell them by walking door to door. He got 7 dollars. Then next day he again bought Tomatos by 7 dollars and sold them 10 Dollars.

Such a way he became millioniare and now he has now Orchard of Tomatos and big pick-up vans, storage etc. Now the man became one of the rich man of the country. Many Journalist came to interview him.

When they are filing up his biography, one journalist ask “Sir,may I get your Email ID.”

The man replied “I have no Email ID. As I have my email ID, I would be an“OFFICE BOY” of Microsoft office and you never ask my email ID !!

How i learned English

Once a peon of an office trying to speak in English to a guest. Then the guest appreciate him and told “From where you have learned to talk English?”

The peon replied “I have learned, ‘You understand?’ from our MD, ‘I love you’ from the TV and ‘Good Morning’ from our receptionist madam.

Hundreds for one

One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.

On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.


Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overran that person.

The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”

Hold it tight

Winter problem

Two friend are talking about winter season. One friend asked to another friend, “Can you tell who falls in big problem in winter season?”

The friend told, “I’ve no idea.”

The friend replied, “Its the thief. The thief cannot pic-pocket as people put their hands in the pants pocket.”

GPS

this is crazy!

Missing

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

Census

I was sitting on my porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil
in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" I asked.

"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the
United States."

"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no
idea..."

Funny Quotes

Caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.

Knowledge can be dangerous if it doesn't lead to wisdom.

You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again.

It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a jerk for the rest
of your life.

I'm about to tell my husband I wrecked the new car. I hope they can find
my body.

See the Shadow :-)

You can do anything

One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Portable Computer

Naughty Nature

Cool Eye Chart

Awas...

Shower time

What a sexy..

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